Fear & Doubt

I try not to let myself go to this place very often because once you let yourself go there it gets easier and easier for you to find your way.  I’m talking about the place called “Fear and Doubt”.

This is the place that you are warned about and told to avoid at all costs.  They tell you to keep yourself busy and think about holding your baby in your arms.  But, what if you can’t even stomach the thought of holding your hopefully soon-to-be baby in your arms because it’s just too scary?  I just remember after the failed IVF I was SO mad at myself for getting excited and assuming that it took, and that I was going to be preg on the fist try.  I’m afraid of this transfer not working, and…what will that mean?  Does it mean that I will never get preg?  Does it mean that we are not supposed to have our own bio kids.  I know this is only the 2nd time we are trying…but when you go in for your appointment and the Dr and nurse both tell you that everything looks practically perfect, it scares the crap out of me!  Because, IF everything looks practically perfect and I don’t get pregnent…then what?