Loneliness

The hole in Taryn’s heart has closed!!! We received the official word from the radiologist this afternoon! šŸ™‚

She is tolerating her feeds very well. After they feed her they wait a bit then suction out her belly to makes sure she digested the all the milk. And each time she has!

She had her 1st blood transfusion today. They run tons of blood tests on her and she has lost 20% of her blood volume which equals about 10 ML. They transfused 5 ML today, and they will do add the next 5 tomorrow.

We went to visit today, and she was very fidgety. The nurse suspected it was due to her ventilator, so tonight they put her back on the oscillator ventilator and she mellowed out a lot. I don’t know very much yet but, my mommy instincts have kicked in because when I saw her i thought she seemed a little uncomfortable. And when her nurse mentioned it to me, I was so happy that I could already sense her moods.

I’m struggling a bit right now with the realization that she is no longer with me. She is supposed to still be inside me. I should be buying bigger maternity clothes and rubbing my belly. But, instead i look fat, my boobs are so big I’m surprised i can even stand up straight, and…my baby is in the NICU. I get bitter every time I see a pregnant woman, I want to still be pregnant! Normally moms get to take their babies home so that feeling of loneliness is absent for the next 20+ years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy I’m a mom. I am completely at peace and not nervous at all about her health. But, I do not like that she is not with me every hour of everyday. I can’t hold her or touch her again till the lines are out of her body, hopefully that will happen in the next couple if weeks. Today I was able to just sit in the rocking chair all by myself for about an hr and a half just looking at her. I know its good that I feel like this, because it means I’m normal it is just a hard fact to swallow.

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5 Replies to “Loneliness”

  1. Janelle,
    Your strength inspires me. Hearing about your journey with Taryn motivates me to be a better mother to my girls. If you need anything, even if it’s just a cup of coffee, let me know!

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  2. Janelle,

    Just remember that this is the journey you are all supposed to take. Be Taryn’s advocate and always follow your instincts! I promise you that they are rarely wrong! As far as the fat and big boob part….full term or not, it is how you feel after being pregnant! You surely wouldn’t have been jealous of me….I don’t think I was standing up straight! Those mommy protector instincts are very strong….I know how difficult it is to feel a bit out of control and not having your baby at home….I remember crying more than once when I couldn’t bring Ava home. Just know that Taryn already knows you from the inside…she can sense you…send her all of your love and strength. You are already an amazing mommy!

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  3. Janelle, keep in mind that Taryn just does things faster than most people and will always be far ahead of others her age. Maybe she is the next step in evolution–a “Crystal Child”? You will lose all of your weight just running as fast as you can to keep up with her! šŸ™‚

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