So I called in to the NICU on Friday like I do each morning to check on Taryn. I received a great report and then my nurse asked me the dreaded question, “When will you be in?”. Why do they always ask this?! Why do I dislike this question? Well, here’s my best explanation:
1) Right now, my life is broken into 3 hr time slots because of pumping. Pumping is hard work, which I’ll explain in more detail in a different post. But, if I don’t empty them every 3 hrs they leak, and hurt and I could possibly risk losing my milk supply. It’s a very consuming commitment, physically and emotionally.
2) My body still hurts from bed rest and I don’t have lots of physical stamina.
3) I’m emotionally tapped 90% of the time, thank you hormones. I hate that I don’t have my baby with me all the time. The NICU roller coaster is exhausting, and we haven’t had too many downs.
So, simply put, when they ask me when I’m coming in its one more thing to stress me out. It also makes me feel like maybe they think I’m a bad mom cuz I only get there once a day sometimes, or that i don’t spend enough time when I am there. I’m sure this isn’t their intention. I’m pretty positive it’s my hormones again making me way too sensitive. And I’m sure they ask this because there might just be things they want to include me in or have me there for.
So, back to Friday morning….
Nurse: “When will you be in?”
Me: Oh that question, I hate that question….”Probably around 2pm.”
Me: Sensing that maybe that wasn’t the right answer, “Why, do I need to come in earlier?”
Nurse: “Well, I was thinking today might be a good day for you to hold her.”
What!!!! What did she just say? That I was going to get to hold my baby girl for the first time? Yup that’s what she said! So I rushed around getting myself together, I even did my hair and put on makeup people! I couldn’t drive fast enough, walk through the hospital fast enough, or scrub in fast enough. When they put her on my chest it was the best thing ever. The last time she was that close to me she was inside me…3 weeks ago. This separation is not normal. It felt like a part of me that was missing was finally back. The connection to her spirit and life was finally connected to me again. I wanted to run out of that room and take her home. I wanted all those people and monitors and wires to go away so we could be alone. I wanted to cry with relief, joy, sadness, happiness, and every other possible emotion alone without anyone watching me. I wanted to talk to her alone, so it was only my voice she could hear.
The Lord knew I needed this, and allowed her to tolerate me holding her for about an hour. She did so very well. I guess typically the first time you hold them when they are this small they don’t last for too long. But my little girl remembered her mommy and felt right at home on my chest. The only thing that could have made the experience better was if Ben could have been there. But my Mom was able to be there and it was a special thing to share with her. And as a bonus, she was finally able to touch her granddaughter’s hand. 🙂