My Safe Place

After I had my first back surgery my happy place was my bed room. I knew if I was in extreme pain I could take my pain pill, turn on my right side, rock back and forth, stare at MY clock and within 30 min the pain would be gone. The pain meds never worked the same if I didn’t follow that same routine. I’m sure it was mostly psychological, but never the less it worked. And considering the amount of pain I was constantly in…um hello 3 back surgeries…I spent A LOT of time in my bed…just ask my parents. My dad would come in mid day thinking that if he opened the blinds I’d be motivated to want to get up and “do something” as he would say frequently. The only thing it motivated me to want to do was get up to shut the blinds and lay back down.

Physical pain sucks!

So now, I find myself wanting to turn left when I get out of the elevator in the hospital, walk to room 221, crawl into bed, put the call light on and let the nurses know I’m back for a little while; except with bathroom privileges. Why would anyone want to go back to the hospital especially since they lived there for 6 weeks?!!! Two reasons I can think of. One – even though I was in a very critical place, stress believe it or not was at a minimum for me. Two – I was still pregnant.

Not being pregnant, and having my baby in the NICU creates a ridiculously large amount of stress in my daily life. So, subconsciously I guess if I can just get back to room 221 I can get a breather from all this. Not to mention I’d be just a few short steps away from my baby girl.

Mental stress sucks more.

She’s doin it! She’s kicked two big infections, and is thriving! She is still on the conventional vent but each day her settings are tweaked just a little in the right direction! She now weights 960g (2lb 2oz). 40 more grams away from starting her second course of steroids to help give her lungs a boost. And maybe this time God willing she can stay off the vent for good. Her PIC line came out on Sunday so she can wear cute little clothes now. And each day they are increasing the volume of food she is getting and today they increased the caloric content of my breast milk with a fortifier, she is now at 25 calorie breast milk 5.5 cc per hr continuous feed. (continuous feed – that just means she always has a full tummy).

Anyhow, my desire to have her home and cuddled up with me, has been wicked strong lately. I know she is going to make it through this whole NICU ride, (I might not bounce back as quickly) but I just wish somehow I could curl up inside her isolette and just snuggle with her for as long as I needed/want to.

Then, maybe the desire to go back to room 221 would go away.


5 Replies to “My Safe Place”

  1. Just keep deep breathing, keep praying for strength, and never, ever quit!! Replace fear and stress in your mind with LOVE and PEACE, and focus on that. Every day is a new beginning and a new step forward. Whenever you get a chance, go lay in bed on your right side, rock back and forth hugging a pillow, breathe very deeply, and watch the clock for 30 minutes while sending love thoughts to ALL of the special people in your life, as we all are sending love thoughts to you. That combined positive, loving energy will help you beyond measure! Love and peace to you, Janelle!


  2. patience is a virtue my nellie….you truly are doing awesome. just know that all youre experiencing is all for that cute little girl. the moment you wake up with her on your side of the bed all these feelings will seem like nothing compared to all the love youll have seeing and hearing her 24/7. this trial is making you stronger! what ever obstacles life decides to throw at you in life later on now you know you can take them head on because you will have defeated the ultimate challenge with just enough strength and courage. i know it gets old hearing it but WE ARE HERE FOR YOU AND LOVE YOU!


  3. *sniff* (that’s all I can think of at the moment). but “yea” for the gaining weight and all the good news. Take care Nellie, Love you whole bunches.


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