This is hard. Serious, ridiculous hard. I feel like I can’t catch my breath. I would give anything, do anything to be able to fix her.
I’ve been sitting next to her bed the last few days watching the nurses and respiratory therapists, (RT) doing their “job” but really they are saving my daughters life. I am amazed at their devotion, and love for my baby. They stay calm press forward and find something that will work and help take her out of the crisis. AND they take care of us. I’ve always said that when I walk out of those doors in the NICU I never worry about her care. These nurses and RTs are so invested in her well being I’m not sure they are going to let me take her home! ;). I know we have permanently added people to our family.
I’m really struggling with peace right now. I’m so afraid of losing her. I know I have to have faith in God and his plan. But as the days go on and as we keep running into problem after problem my faith wavers. And I HATE that this happens. I know this fear and anguish is a normal response to what I’m going through but I also know that if i continue to hold on to these feelings and try to control my life right now, I will just be spinning in circles. I always go back to a church service where someone once said faith is like taking a step off a cliff, and when God catches you in his hands you are filled with unbelievable peace and comfort. And isn’t that what I want right now? Isn’t that what my soul is craving? So why then am I just not running with all my might and jumping off?
Mark 9:24 says, Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”. In other words…”Lord I believe you can do this, I just don’t have the faith to believe you will do it for me”.
This is where I’m at to a “T”. I have the faith God can perform a miracle, but I’m lacking the faith he will do it for me. Little ol’ me.
And I suppose this is right where satan wants me. In a place doubting God and his ability. I have to remember satan only has a hold over me if I let him. I have to remember I am Gods child and all I have to do is call on His name. The Lord has been through this he allowed his Son to die to save us. He knows our pain and He knows what it’s like to suffer while watching your child suffer. He could have easily said this is way too painful I’m changing my mind, and taken His son off the cross and healed Him. But he didn’t. God knows my pain.
I know he doesn’t allow us to go through something we can’t handle. And I’ve come to realize that this doesn’t mean that if we aren’t strong enough to carry 100lbs up a hill he won’t make us carry it. It means that we’ll still have to carry that 100lbs but he’ll give us the strength to do it. So I guess this is my load right now and I’m trying to carry it on my own and I’m failing. The kind of BIG RED F in marker in a circle you’d see at the top of a test you just took. The kind of fail that you’d have to get a parent signature on. I’ve given satan power over my emotions and fears. And that makes me mad. Through this whole thing I’ve wanted to be like Job. Someone who went through sever torture and yet he never wavered in his faith. God literally allowed satan to test him but told satan Job’s faith was too strong and he would not waiver. That is what my goal has been.
I suppose you can see my transition through this post. I hope you can see how the Lord has brought some clarity to my emotions. I hope you can see how He has brought me back to a place where He can give me peace and I can accept it.
Taryn had a rough day today. (Friday). They had to manually bag her for around an hour just to keep her oxygen saturation in the 70’s. They decided to give her a breathing treatment and this allowed her to come back up to the low 80’s which is acceptable. She is back to requiring 100% oxygen.
It goes without saying…please, please continue to pray for her. We are hoping that once or as the antibiotics clear up the pneumonia she will recover and continue on the path of getting better. Her lungs really need to get to a point of working well enough to be able to stay off the vent, because being on the vent puts her at such a risk of infection.
Thank you for your prayers