So I suppose it’s time for a little truth.  This post has been sitting in me for a while.  On one hand I don’t want to share this with you all and on the other I desperately want to. 

 I don’t want to share because, well, it isn’t any of your business quite frankly.  But, on the other hand neither was the last year of our life.  And because I did step out of my comfort zone, I was blessed beyond comprehension by all the support and prayers.  By nature I don’t share 100% of myself with just anyone.  Before we ended up in the hospital no one really knew about my blog and I felt comfortable posting whatever because for the most part the people reading my blog didn’t know me personally.  Now…everyone knows about the blog and I am more “careful” about what I write.  I am careful because of a lot of reasons.

Right now my top reason for not sharing too much is because, I hate people feeling sorry for me or looking at me weird because Taryn died.  I know it’s awful, and how do you respond to someone who lost a child?  Respond to them like they are normal.  You don’t have to tip-toe around them, or look at them like the most horrible thing on earth has happened to them, even though it has.  Please don’t misunderstand me.  The compassion we have felt is amazing.  It’s just…well I can’t help you feel better right now because it’s all I can do to help myself.  I wish there was a way for me to tell people that I am a mom, but my child has passed away without them becoming weird around me.  I’m tired of feeling weird.  Actually if you look at it from a Christian prospective I have a problem with pride.  I don’t like to look weak.  And honestly Satan is happy that I have been secretive.  He wants me to feel weak, and be miserable instead of feeling the love and support from my brother’s and sister’s in Christ. 

So in an effort to not give satan the power anymore…..

My therapist…yup I’m seeing someone to help me figure out this whole “How does life work after your child dies?” thing…says I’m soul tired.  She says that after fighting so hard to have a child, and then fighting so hard to stay pregnant, and then fighting so hard to keep my child alive, and all of a sudden it’s all over, it has drained my soul.  Yup that sounds about right.  I am drained. So I got a week off as homework.  I am to do only what I want if I feel up to it.  It’s been nice, and thank God my husband is so awesome and supportive.  He has picked up yet again, all the slack for me.  He has taken care of everything so I don’t have to, and hasn’t made me feel guilty for lying around in my PJ’s in bed with the curtains closed for 2 days straight.  I am starting to feel again.  I was at a point where I couldn’t even focus on simple conversations because I just didn’t care enough to listen. Now, I feel connected again.

 We are also in the process of trying to have another baby.  We have had consults with our OB and fertility specialist.  They have had conversations by themselves. And I have had a test done.  The autopsy on Taryn has come back and there was nothing genetically wrong with her lungs.  On Wednesday I will have my final consult to pick the day of transfer in January, which means that I will more than likely start my meds next week.  So, kinda weird, but if I should get pregnant this time around then we are looking at around the same due date as we had with Taryn, mid October.

 Here is what it will look like.  I will take birth control pills for prob a week.  When I stop them it will cause me to have my period.  Then at that point I will start taking estrogen by shot 2x a week.  Then the 3rd week, I will start taking progesterone by shot 1x a day everyday.  Then, on the day we choose in January, they will thaw an embryo and transfer it to me. 

 Because of the last pregnancy we are doing things a bit differently this time around.  Typically when you do a transfer, they transfer 2 embryos at a time because you have a better chance of getting pregnant that way.  Well, there is no way my doctors are comfortable with the possibility of me getting pregnant with twins.  So, we can only transfer one embryo at a time.  Also once I get pregnant, at 14 weeks I will have a cerclage put in.  (This is where they stitch my cervix closed)  At 16 weeks I will start a therapy where I will take progesterone till I am 36 weeks along.    And then, I will be put on a modified bed rest.  Basically I will be able to use the bathroom, take showers, and get food.  The time I spend up and about will be very limited.

So, it’s all out now.  

Please keep me in your prayers.  I have a lot of needles ahead of me this next 4-5 weeks to prepare my body for the transfer which hopefully will yield a pregnancy!  And yea I’m OK to start trying again.  None of my health care providers think I need to wait, and more importantly, I don’t want to wait.  I was ready a year ago.


11 Replies to “Secrets”

  1. So glad you’ve shared. It will help you, each and every day, to have people who love you, encouraging you to keep going. You’ve got my prayers now, as you always have.


  2. Janelle, Thanks for sharing. We Love you and Ben and are looking forward to the next time we get together. Love Jeanie and Jack


  3. Can’t wait to walk the next part of this journey with you! I’m going to get you a Costco supply of pregnancy tests and anxiously wait for the day when you call me and tell me ” I feel awful”


  4. Janelle, you are far from weird and should never feel that way. You are an amazing person and mother. I am glad you had the strength to share. I will be praying for your’s and Ben’s success. Can’t wait to be your nurse in Oct.


  5. For the past 12 years when you needed to “figure things out” you would stay in bed, in a dark room for 2 to 3 days. I was wondering when you were going to do this – glad you finally did. I love you my daughter. My prayers and my heart are with you.


  6. Janelle,

    I don’t know you personally (just from online), but I’m so happy to hear that you are taking care of yourself and getting some help. You’ve been through hell and it takes its toll. I will by cycling with you this Jan and I hope beyond belief that we’re both finally successful. Hugs!


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