Ok, I am doing another re-post because well, there are a ton of similarities between this blogger and I, and I relate to her writing very intimately.
This one is what it is like once you do get pregnant and what it feels like especially if you have suffered loss. I read this and it instantly made me feel normal because these are all the feelings I do feel and know I will experience if I should get pregnant this time around, especially after loosing Taryn.
Definition of a BETA: Your Beta is the blood test you take to confirm your pregnancy. The test measures the amount of HCG in your bloodstream. In very early pregnancy, the numbers might not be very high but they should quickly increase. Fetiles typically only have one beta done. Infertiles have 3-4, 48hrs apart. And each number should double with-in a 48hr period of time. A single HCG level can’t really tell you much about your pregnancy but watching the increase over several days is one way of measuring the viability of the pregnancy.
Suspended Animation is the state of disbelief you find yourself in between a positive pregnancy test and the point where you decide you can start believing in this pregnancy. It is marked by a kaleidoscope of emotions, with varying amounts of abject terror, total paranoia and smatterings of hope so strong it takes your breath away.
Unfortunately for some, the point where you decide you start believing all will be ok is only when you are holding your healthy baby in your arms. And that is very sad because it means you don’t get to enjoy something you have waited for for so long, the pregnancy. Sure, pregnancy is not the end goal, but if there were any justice and fairness in the world (which every infertile person knows there is not), then all Infertiles would have happy, beautiful, glowing, problem-free pregnancies.
This state of suspended animation is experienced not only by the Infertile, but also by her husband, her parents and those close to her. After four positive betas and no baby (yet), I get responses like “well, at least its one step forward”. What happened to getting a positive pg test and instant jollification? Too many battle scars for that. For myself and my family. My NBF recently got a positive hpt, asked her husband “do you believe it?” He said “no”. Too scared. Been burnt too many times. Sad.
I used to think a positive beta was the goal, then I had an ectopic. I then thought seeing the heartbeat was the end of my suspended animation period, then I lost a baby at 8w. Then it was ‘lets just get to the end of the first tri’. Then I lost a baby at 21w. Then I thought ‘if I can just get past 26w, at least the baby will live outside the womb’. Then my baby died.
So you see, unfortunately for me, this state of suspended animation will exist every day of my pregnancy, and will only end when I hold my live, healthy baby in my arms. And that is such a pity. And don’t tell me not to worry, to think positive, to have faith, to believe. I would love to. And I will certainly try, but don’t blame me if I am scared. The best I can do is live one day at a time, moving from one mini milestone to another, and hope like mad that this time it is my turn. I want to be happy, to believe, I want to desperately, but I’m so scared.