Staying Faithful

Disbelief. Confusion. Sadness. Frustration. Failure. Anger. Hopeless. Defeated.

All the feelings that run through your mind after your ultrasound tech tells your child has no heart beat.

I am hyper aware of looking for a heartbeat when we go in for an ultrasound. Just as I was processing that there was something missing, the tech asked me when my last scan was…I was having a hard time trying to get the words out while confirming in my mind at the same time what I was seeing and why she was asking me that question. She left the room to get the Dr., and he confirmed and explained that our baby has some significant genetic defects. He made sure to explain to us THERE WAS NOTHING WE DID OR COULD HAVE DONE TO PREVENT THIS.

While that explanation does go a long way to ease the burden of what has happened, it doesn’t take away that Taryn is playing with a new sister/brother in heaven.

It is soo hard to understand why God thinks we are strong enough to go through this. We know he won’t give us more than we can handle. I came to the realization while pregnant with Taryn that what that probably means is no matter what we are facing God will give us the strength to get through it if we ask for his help. But now I have a question….do you think if I sit down with God and have a heart to heart and tell him I really can’t take it anymore all this will stop? I mean I’ve never asked him to let us have a pass on losing anymore children. I have just taken up that cross and done the best I can to get through it. But, I’m really, really ready to stop loosing babies. Honestly, it really is awful.

What happened with this pregnancy could happen to anyone and I’m sure everyone reading this has personally experienced a miscarriage or knows someone who has. My mom had 1 between my brother and I, my grandma had one before each of her 4 pregnancies, my aunts have had them. It isn’t a rarity, it is natures way. If a child has severe problems and wouldn’t be able to survive after birth, this is what happens. So, I suppose in a weird way my body actually did something right for a change.

But, for us…it feels like a big fat failure. Why are we the “lucky” ones to go through this after everything we went through with Taryn? Don’t we deserve a blissfully innocent pregnancy, void of any problems? Instead any future pregnancy will be tarnished by these past experiences, and we will be robbed of the joys it usually brings to a couple. That is what makes me mad. To hear my husband say he isn’t sure if he could ever get excited about another pregnancy until we bring the baby home. To know I will feel the same way. I’m bitter at how easy it is for some, and how many pregnancy’s occur that were never wanted and are an inconvenience. Why must it be such a struggle for us to bring a child into our home when we have so much love to give?

We are tired, and feel incredibly defeated. Since we have been married our life together has seen one struggle after another. And none of those struggles have been typical or small. Yet we continue to cling to one another and do our best to have faith that God will bless us for our faithfulness in him.

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8 Replies to “Staying Faithful”

  1. Keep writing Nelly. I can’t imagine for one second what the two of you are going through. I went to a 4 year olds viewing tonight and the funeral in the morning…and I have to say that being a ” spectator ” for lack of a better word totally sucks. I told greg tonight that I want another baby ….of course when we move lol but I am scared because of how hard my pregnancies were for me.then I said here I am worried about how much pain ill be in during those 9 months but yet my poor cousin is trying so hard for 1. I felt selfish. I said it before when everything with Taryn began…I would carry any baby for you if I could. You both have so much love and so much to offer. Im not a very religious person we all know that and I know you hate hearing things happen for a reason…I’m one to see it before I believe type…but know this I DO PRAY FOR YOU AND BEN! I’m totally rambling but whatever ….continue leaning on eachother and keep the faith and everything will fall into place. When…I don’t know but I do believe patience is a virtue. When you do bring that baby home it’ll just be that much more special and amazing. I love you my cousin and your strength is amazing!

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  2. Janelle…….Heartbreaking news. You and Ben have been challenged this last year with more sadness and grief than most people experience in a lifetime. I pray God holds you both in his supportive hands and gives you strength to get through this.

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  3. I would feel exactly like you feel, Janelle, if I went through all that you are going through… Keep processing and giving it up to God. He knows what you need, and ask him for anything you want! Put it out there; He knows your heart… He will work it out with you, no matter what. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. I have some comfort knowing that Taryn and your second baby will be good buddies as they play together in Heaven. Nevertheless, I do pray that you will have a baby to nurture while you and Ben are on Earth. May God bless you all…

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  4. Hi Nelle, Hi Ben, My heart just broke when I read your blog, I don’t know what to say, or how to respond to the Lord in paryer….about our disapointment. I didn’t know why, I felt something was terribly wrong yesterday, but I do know now. I do know He hears our spoken an unspoken preayers, our anger and disappointment with His decisions, as Job did in the midst of his turmoil….Why us Lord! I do know He is Sovereign and I pray that He will give you and Ben the grace to get through this …again!

    Hold on to each other as tight as you can, because satin will use is disappointment to divide you and Ben, stay strong! we Love you guys,

    Uncle PAUL & Diana,

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  5. Oh Janelle;, there is nothing that we can say. We all continue to keep you and Ben in our prayers.
    We love you both, Auntie Karen, Uncle Jim and Dillon

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  6. Janelle-

    My heartfelt empathy goes out to you Ben. Unfortunately, I suffered the loss of two separate babies during pregnancy and then my twins last year after they were born so sadly I understand how you feel, although I know I can’t understand exactly what you are feeling since we are all separate individuals. The anger and disbelief and sadness are tough to deal with and I am thinking of you and praying for you during this very sad time. I send positive wishes for you and Ben to comfort each other. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  7. Janelle:

    Pops (Paul) sent me your blog post and I was mourning for you both. I am continuing to pray for you and what God has in store for you. We miscarried our first child. God is faithful (we now have four children) and is preparing you for something great! He even used my miscarraige in future years to mourn and just listen to other friends who miscarried and had loss. For your husband, God was faithful to allow us to still be excited for our other pregnancies. All we can do is remember that He is in control…and has the best for each of us. Even if that is different for what is best for someone else (does that make sense?).
    Love your cousin by marraige,
    Margo Beasley

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