Disbelief. Confusion. Sadness. Frustration. Failure. Anger. Hopeless. Defeated.
All the feelings that run through your mind after your ultrasound tech tells your child has no heart beat.
I am hyper aware of looking for a heartbeat when we go in for an ultrasound. Just as I was processing that there was something missing, the tech asked me when my last scan was…I was having a hard time trying to get the words out while confirming in my mind at the same time what I was seeing and why she was asking me that question. She left the room to get the Dr., and he confirmed and explained that our baby has some significant genetic defects. He made sure to explain to us THERE WAS NOTHING WE DID OR COULD HAVE DONE TO PREVENT THIS.
While that explanation does go a long way to ease the burden of what has happened, it doesn’t take away that Taryn is playing with a new sister/brother in heaven.
It is soo hard to understand why God thinks we are strong enough to go through this. We know he won’t give us more than we can handle. I came to the realization while pregnant with Taryn that what that probably means is no matter what we are facing God will give us the strength to get through it if we ask for his help. But now I have a question….do you think if I sit down with God and have a heart to heart and tell him I really can’t take it anymore all this will stop? I mean I’ve never asked him to let us have a pass on losing anymore children. I have just taken up that cross and done the best I can to get through it. But, I’m really, really ready to stop loosing babies. Honestly, it really is awful.
What happened with this pregnancy could happen to anyone and I’m sure everyone reading this has personally experienced a miscarriage or knows someone who has. My mom had 1 between my brother and I, my grandma had one before each of her 4 pregnancies, my aunts have had them. It isn’t a rarity, it is natures way. If a child has severe problems and wouldn’t be able to survive after birth, this is what happens. So, I suppose in a weird way my body actually did something right for a change.
But, for us…it feels like a big fat failure. Why are we the “lucky” ones to go through this after everything we went through with Taryn? Don’t we deserve a blissfully innocent pregnancy, void of any problems? Instead any future pregnancy will be tarnished by these past experiences, and we will be robbed of the joys it usually brings to a couple. That is what makes me mad. To hear my husband say he isn’t sure if he could ever get excited about another pregnancy until we bring the baby home. To know I will feel the same way. I’m bitter at how easy it is for some, and how many pregnancy’s occur that were never wanted and are an inconvenience. Why must it be such a struggle for us to bring a child into our home when we have so much love to give?
We are tired, and feel incredibly defeated. Since we have been married our life together has seen one struggle after another. And none of those struggles have been typical or small. Yet we continue to cling to one another and do our best to have faith that God will bless us for our faithfulness in him.