Sadness and Anger

I have parallel emotions right now. Sadness and anger.

When you lose something it makes you feel like you were being irresponsible. That you weren’t paying attention. How often do we really lose things anyways? Usually they are just misplaced, it’s a rare occurrence when we really lose something and it is permanently gone.

I have lost 2 babies. They are permanently gone from this earth. I get that my miscarriage was for a reason, my baby was not healthy. I get that it is not a rare occurrence. I get that many women suffer from miscarriages and successfully get pregnant again and are able to deliver a healthy baby. But it is not fair.

My pastor’s wife told me one night while Taryn was rallying back from a bout of pneumonia, that I should write a letter to God. I should write a real raw letter to God. While I know I can, and I am allowed, and he will still love me, and I will still go to heaven…I wasn’t in a place where I felt like I needed to yell so He could hear me. I knew He was there and He knew what I was feeling. Tonight…knowing God is physically with my babies instead of me…I am finally in a place to tell Him that I am angry about it all.

Lord,

It isn’t right. I feel like I have done something so wrong that my babies keep dying. I am bitter and jealous that you are with them. You get to love them and see them, and hear them, and spend time with them. They are my babies, my flesh and blood they should be with me before you get to spend time with them. How can you possibly put the desire into my heart to be a mother and allow me to lose 2 babies? Why would you give me such an intense love for children and allow me to lose 2? How could the loss of Taryn not hurt your heart so much that you allowed us to lose our 2nd baby. It makes me so sad that I don’t even know if I was pregnant with a boy or girl and I didn’t get to name him or her. My baby was removed from my body in an operating room. And while our physical bodies don’t matter in the end my baby’s body was destroyed and it isn’t even resting in our family plot with our other child. It’s like there is no proof of that precious life. There is not even a birth or death certificate. But that baby was real Lord. That baby was one of your children Lord.

You feel everything we feel, you grieve when we grieve, aren’t you tired of grieving with us? Don’t you just want to see us happy? I feel so hopeless now. I know this isn’t punishment for something that I forgot to ask forgiveness for. But I don’t know how else to process this. I am running out of faith that you are going to heal my breaking heart. Lord I am so tired and weary, it is getting harder and harder to see and feel the joys of life. I am done with the sadness and hurt this earth has to offer. I am tired of trying to be joyful. When am I going to wake up with a smile on face because I am truly happy? When is the joy going to come back into my life? Will I even be able to recognize it? I don’t want these things to define me, to be the major points in my life. I want my marriage, the birth of my child, wonderful family memories to define my life. Not DEATH! I can’t undo what has been done, and it scares me to look forward to the future. I want to. I want to have a family. I want the chance to have baby. In case I have never specifically mentioned it…I want to be a mom to a real live baby. Please Lord. If I am not ready, and there are things I need deal with or learn… make them real to me. Help me to understand and find peace with what has happened. I feel like I am spinning in circles trying to make sense of all this. Just make the hurt and confusion go away. Heal my heart and make this hell go away. Please Lord, please, please.

I know by posting this…l risk someone thinking I shouldn’t be left alone. I risk someone thinking that I am turning my back on God. I risk someone thinking they need to say something to straighten my thinking out.

I don’t need any of that. I am allowed to be upset. I am allowed to question God. I am allowed to feel like there is no hope to be a parent of a live healthy child. I am allowed all of it. I am not going to hurt myself. I am not turning my back on God. And I don’t need anyone to try to straighten my thinking out. This is normal. Most people just do it in private or with a trusted few.

What I need right now is prayer. Prayer for peace and that God will restore some joy in my life. Prayer that I will have a child of my own. Prayer for understanding of the past 14 months. I just need prayer. I know I have needed a lot of it, and I know there are a lot of you who pray constantly. There isn’t anything to say that makes this better. There isn’t anything to do that will make this easier. The only thing I know that will work is prayer.

I am going to allow comments, I am not going to turn them off. My initial thought was to disable them. But, I trust you will be sensitive and supportive of my feelings. This post is NOT in response to anything anyone has or has not said or written. It is simply where I am at this Friday evening. It is not spurred on by anything other than I have lost 2 children and my heart is broken.

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7 Replies to “Sadness and Anger”

  1. Thank you for sharing your feelings and emotions openly…i don’t pretend I understand the depth of the grief for the losses but I know that the best is yet to come so take your time to mourn and heal then fight again to get the best that is reserved only for you. My prayers be with you along the journey

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  2. Sharing your process with God and with all of us is precious and an important part of your healing these wounds. God knows your thoughts and your heart and everything you have shared on paper is so understandable and real. I admire your courage, and your deep love for the Lord is evident as you pour out your grief. That you would share the depth of your feelings with us, as well, is very intimate and just serves to deepen the relationships you have developed and nurtured. We continue to pray for your family and ask for healing on a physical, emotional and spiritual level so that you can continue your journey. And you are right; prayer is the answer.

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  3. Hi, Janelle,

    You are totally allowed to feel all that you feel and write what you want. As you now know, two too many, I was there too…you have just articulated everything I wanted to write then but didn’t have the strength to. You are one strong woman. I admire your transparency and your vulnerability. I pray your heart heals…it takes awhile, I know. {Mine still hurts even though sometimes I think I’m ok–and then it hits me hard at times like a ton of bricks.} You are loved and prayed for by a lot of people, including me/us. Thank you for sharing and for being real.

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  4. Girl, I thought you were pretty easy on God with that one. Honestly. I’d be more than angry…but I do know that even though I’m angry he will never leave my side. That “He knows the plans he has for you…plans for hope and a future.” Lord please fulfill your promise to Janelle and Ben for hope and a future! We don’t understand but I know you hold them close. Give them a miracle…restore joy in Jesus name.

    Janelle, thanks for your vulnerability. love you.

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  5. Janelle, you are allowed to not only feel these things but share them with the world through your blog. I appreciate your candor so much and have been praying for you ever since Jen told me about you all those months ago. I can’t begin to understand what you and Ben are going through. But hang in there. Your deep-seated faith will carry you through. All this is part of your grieving process and that process is different for each person. Keep doing what you need to do to heal and come to a more peaceful place. You have a lot of people rallying for you and your family to come. Remember, one step at a time is TOTALLY OK. You can get through this and you will.

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