I have parallel emotions right now. Sadness and anger.
When you lose something it makes you feel like you were being irresponsible. That you weren’t paying attention. How often do we really lose things anyways? Usually they are just misplaced, it’s a rare occurrence when we really lose something and it is permanently gone.
I have lost 2 babies. They are permanently gone from this earth. I get that my miscarriage was for a reason, my baby was not healthy. I get that it is not a rare occurrence. I get that many women suffer from miscarriages and successfully get pregnant again and are able to deliver a healthy baby. But it is not fair.
My pastor’s wife told me one night while Taryn was rallying back from a bout of pneumonia, that I should write a letter to God. I should write a real raw letter to God. While I know I can, and I am allowed, and he will still love me, and I will still go to heaven…I wasn’t in a place where I felt like I needed to yell so He could hear me. I knew He was there and He knew what I was feeling. Tonight…knowing God is physically with my babies instead of me…I am finally in a place to tell Him that I am angry about it all.
It isn’t right. I feel like I have done something so wrong that my babies keep dying. I am bitter and jealous that you are with them. You get to love them and see them, and hear them, and spend time with them. They are my babies, my flesh and blood they should be with me before you get to spend time with them. How can you possibly put the desire into my heart to be a mother and allow me to lose 2 babies? Why would you give me such an intense love for children and allow me to lose 2? How could the loss of Taryn not hurt your heart so much that you allowed us to lose our 2nd baby. It makes me so sad that I don’t even know if I was pregnant with a boy or girl and I didn’t get to name him or her. My baby was removed from my body in an operating room. And while our physical bodies don’t matter in the end my baby’s body was destroyed and it isn’t even resting in our family plot with our other child. It’s like there is no proof of that precious life. There is not even a birth or death certificate. But that baby was real Lord. That baby was one of your children Lord.
You feel everything we feel, you grieve when we grieve, aren’t you tired of grieving with us? Don’t you just want to see us happy? I feel so hopeless now. I know this isn’t punishment for something that I forgot to ask forgiveness for. But I don’t know how else to process this. I am running out of faith that you are going to heal my breaking heart. Lord I am so tired and weary, it is getting harder and harder to see and feel the joys of life. I am done with the sadness and hurt this earth has to offer. I am tired of trying to be joyful. When am I going to wake up with a smile on face because I am truly happy? When is the joy going to come back into my life? Will I even be able to recognize it? I don’t want these things to define me, to be the major points in my life. I want my marriage, the birth of my child, wonderful family memories to define my life. Not DEATH! I can’t undo what has been done, and it scares me to look forward to the future. I want to. I want to have a family. I want the chance to have baby. In case I have never specifically mentioned it…I want to be a mom to a real live baby. Please Lord. If I am not ready, and there are things I need deal with or learn… make them real to me. Help me to understand and find peace with what has happened. I feel like I am spinning in circles trying to make sense of all this. Just make the hurt and confusion go away. Heal my heart and make this hell go away. Please Lord, please, please.
I know by posting this…l risk someone thinking I shouldn’t be left alone. I risk someone thinking that I am turning my back on God. I risk someone thinking they need to say something to straighten my thinking out.
I don’t need any of that. I am allowed to be upset. I am allowed to question God. I am allowed to feel like there is no hope to be a parent of a live healthy child. I am allowed all of it. I am not going to hurt myself. I am not turning my back on God. And I don’t need anyone to try to straighten my thinking out. This is normal. Most people just do it in private or with a trusted few.
What I need right now is prayer. Prayer for peace and that God will restore some joy in my life. Prayer that I will have a child of my own. Prayer for understanding of the past 14 months. I just need prayer. I know I have needed a lot of it, and I know there are a lot of you who pray constantly. There isn’t anything to say that makes this better. There isn’t anything to do that will make this easier. The only thing I know that will work is prayer.
I am going to allow comments, I am not going to turn them off. My initial thought was to disable them. But, I trust you will be sensitive and supportive of my feelings. This post is NOT in response to anything anyone has or has not said or written. It is simply where I am at this Friday evening. It is not spurred on by anything other than I have lost 2 children and my heart is broken.