What is it about the sun setting and the moon rising. There is a special time of day, when the world has finished it’s day and is getting ready to spend time with their family. Its the time of day where the BBQ is started the adult beverages come out, and the kids are being warned it’s almost time for dinner and they are going to have to stop playing and eat soon. The sun is heading down past the horizon, the warm breeze starts blowing and the world gets just tiny bit quieter and moves just a bit slower.
Then the moon rises and the body starts feeling heavy with sleep either from all the playing you were doing as a kid or the adult beverages you were drinking have settled in. And then it’s off to bed on cool crisp sheets to dream of what tomorrow holds.
Today was a hard day for me. Really if I could have had my way, I would have been oblivious to all the mother’s day functions and the joy they brought to everyone. Because my day was not filled with joy. I slept till 2:30pm, watched a movie w/ my wonderful husband who then cooked a yummy dinner. After dinner I fell asleep again for an hr or so, then as you all know when 9pm hits in this house lights are off and in bed we go!! And then the weight of the day fell flat on me. I laid in bed waiting for the blessed Ambien to hit so I could be over this day and onto a new one.
Visions of holding my baby girl, kissing her head, holding her hand, having her look up at me, giving her her bath after she passed away, knowing that her body was laying in a box that was the size of a shoe box, walking with my husband as he carried her body to it’s final resting place. Seeing the looks of love and pain and sadness on everyone’s face….looks that said, “I’m so sorry, I want to help you but have no idea how.”. “I want to hug you but I’m afraid it might make you cry.” “if I start crying while talking to you I don’t want it to make you cry too.””
I knew being a mom was going to be the hardest thing I’d ever have to do, but I NEVER had a clue it would be like this. I find myself in the weirdest space right now. I don’t want to deny or stop anyone’s happiness, but I just don’t/want/can’t be a part of it right now. I am hoping this phase is short lived and I’m able to move through it quickly. I’m hoping it isn’t here for 5 more months.
I just want more time with my baby girl. I just need her safe with me in my home down the hall sleeping away.
Oh how hard today was.