Our goal for this Spring and Summer was to reconnect with each other as Husband & Wife. To do fun things newly married people were supposed to do.
Our first year of marriage was full of Ben working out-of-town, while I spent hrs upon days at the fertility doctor trying to get pregnant. In December 2009, cycle #1 was unsuccessful. So I got right back on the Doctor’s table and tried for cycle # 2. Success!!! We were pregnant with Taryn in January 2010.
Morning sickness, (read: All Day Pregnancy…someone shoot me now…Sickness) was wicked with Taryn. I started feeling sick at 6 weeks and it didn’t end till I delivered her at 24.6 weeks.
We tried again for cycle #3 in January 2011, and I was plagued with the same “someone shoot me now”…pregnancy sickness. At 12 weeks along, we found out that this baby was not genetically healthy and had passed away in my womb.
By the time our 2nd Anniversary was upon us, we needed serious husband / wife regroup time. We went to Cancun for a week. It was exactly what our bodies, soles, and marriage needed. Since then we have been hanging out with family, friends, using the boat, and taking little weekend excursions, all to repair our heads and hearts, and take care of ourselves. Too much loss in one year will leave you feeling very depleted.
My sleeping is slowly getting back on track and I’ve notice a difference in my emotions, I’ve seemed to have found happiness again. I noticed that I can think or talk about Taryn in little bits without dealing with a huge wave of sadness and dispar. I can also recover more quickly too.
But, this week…this week everyday seems to get a bit more heavy for me, as I am spending more and more time thinking about my amazing and wonderful daughter. I had a good month or so of feeling healthy, and I am slowly sliding back into life feeling like its clouded with grief, sadness, and loneliness.
July 3rd – Four more days till my baby’s Birthday.
101 days will pass
October 13th – It will have been 365 days since I held my baby girl in my arms as she took her final breath.
It is still so hard. I miss her so much. And I am still bitter about all the things I have lost-out on experiencing with her. And I will say it again. It’s not fair, and it makes me mad! But, most of all it just leaves me feeling empty. The utter emptiness my arms felt when I put her back in her isolette and kissed her sweet cheek one last time and walked away from her body forever. The utter emptiness of my heart because she is not here to overfill it with joy and love daily.
O’ Lord have mercy on me in my anguish. My eyes are red from weeping; my health is broken from sorrow.
He heals the broken heartened, binding up their wounds.
Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
I am leaving you with a gift, peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give is not fragile like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.
No, I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm I will come to you.
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble.
Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.
I have told you these things so that you will have peace of heart and mind, here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows, but cheer up, for I have overcome the world.