Our goal for this Spring and Summer was to reconnect with each other as Husband & Wife.  To do fun things newly married people were supposed to do. 

Our first year of marriage was full of Ben working out-of-town, while I spent hrs upon days at the fertility doctor trying to get pregnant. In December 2009, cycle #1 was unsuccessful.  So I got right back on the Doctor’s table and tried for cycle # 2.  Success!!!  We were pregnant with Taryn in January 2010.  Morning sickness, (read:  All Day Pregnancy…someone shoot me now…Sickness) was wicked with Taryn.  I started feeling sick at 6 weeks and it didn’t end till I delivered her at 24.6 weeks. 

We tried again for cycle #3 in January 2011, and I was plagued with the same “someone shoot me now”…pregnancy sickness.  At 12 weeks along, we found out that this baby was not genetically healthy and had passed away in my womb.

By the time our 2nd Anniversary was upon us, we needed serious husband / wife regroup time.  We went to Cancun for a week.  It was exactly what our bodies, soles, and marriage needed.  Since then we have been hanging out with family, friends, using the boat, and taking little weekend excursions, all to repair our heads and hearts, and take care of ourselves.  Too much loss in one year will leave you feeling very depleted. 

My sleeping is slowly getting back on track and I’ve notice a difference in my emotions, I’ve seemed to have found happiness again.  I noticed that I can think or talk about Taryn in little bits without dealing with a huge wave of sadness and dispar.  I can also recover more quickly too.

But, this week…this week everyday seems to get a bit more heavy for me, as I am spending more and more time thinking about my amazing and wonderful daughter.  I had a good month or so of feeling healthy, and I am slowly sliding back into life feeling like its clouded with grief, sadness, and loneliness.

July 3rd – Four more days till my baby’s Birthday. 

101 days will pass 

October 13th – It will have been 365 days since I held my baby girl in my arms as she took her final breath.

It is still so hard.  I miss her so much.  And I am still bitter about all the things I have lost-out on experiencing with her.  And I will say it again.  It’s not fair, and it makes me mad!  But, most of all it just leaves me feeling empty.  The utter emptiness my arms felt when I put her back in her isolette and kissed her sweet cheek one last time and walked away from her body forever.  The utter emptiness of my heart because she is not here to overfill it with joy and love daily.

Psalms 31:9            
O’ Lord have mercy on me in my anguish. My eyes are red from weeping; my health is broken from sorrow.

Psalms 147:3          
He heals the broken heartened, binding up their wounds.

Matthew 5:4           
Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted.

John 14:27              
I am leaving you with a gift, peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give is not fragile like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.

John 14:18              
No, I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm I will come to you.

Psalm 46:1              
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble.

Psalms 30:5b         
Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.

John 16:33              
I have told you these things so that you will have peace of heart and mind, here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows, but cheer up, for I have overcome the world.


6 Replies to “Emptiness”

  1. ………..these dots are full of heartfelt perfect words that will bring you comfort, I don’t know what those words are but they’re there in the dots!!! I read Jen’s blog earlier and it was so joy-filled as it should be and I was so glad to be a part of Abby’s life. But I wanted that joy and happiness for you and Ben too and Miss Taryn and it isn’t fair that you didn’t get that story too or the Alva family. Life is harsh and unfair. But, ………, more amazing words of comfort!!………
    God has Taryn in his arms and her brother or sister too and my prayer is that one day you and Ben hold in your arms a baby too no matter where he or she comes from!
    Love You both, Patricia


  2. Tears are mine as I read your post… All I can do is pray for you and ask the Lord to keep you close and continue to help you heal from all the pain and suffering you have experienced… My heart goes out to you and Ben. I wish you well, Janelle…


  3. I do understand how you feel on many levels. When I watch Ava with other children, and I think about all that she could have been, what she will never do, and what I will never be able to share with her, my heart feels empty too. Mourning the loss of someone, something or what could have been hurts so immensely and deeply. I know how special both you and Ben are, and I wish I could tell you that this feeling goes away….but it doesn’t. I do know that God has something so special in store for you, that the love in your heart will be overflowing again one day. Just keep that amazing faith you are so blessed with, and look to each other for love, support and friendship. Steven and I are here for you both. I can only imagine how difficult it is right now. Much love to you and Ben. xoxo Cin


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