After 2 weeks of Taryn’s headstone being set…I finally was able go see it.
When your child passes, and you went through what we did, you naively think that the hardest thing you are going to face is the actual passing of your child.
…not the planning of a memorial.
…not the memorial itself.
…not the sleepless nights.
…not the missing the way your child feels in your arms.
…not the missing the feel of your child’s head on your lips.
…not the going to a cemetery to visit.
…not the designing and decorating of her headstone.
…not the intimate moment of seeing your daughters headstone with your spouse for the first time.
All these things and hundreds more are so hard. And you don’t know they are going to be hard till they come upon you. Everything you read about death, says that there is a certain finality that the headstone, or the like brings. And it does. Its like hammering the final nail in the coffin –so to speak. I don’t know why its like that though. It’s not as if she has been alive until this point. I keep hoping that each step of this process brings more relief than the last.
I am a person who, can hang in there as long as I know what’s on the other side. I do not do well at all when I am not prepared or have not experienced it before. I know there will be anniversaries for Taryn’s life as long as I’m alive, but the first experience of each anniversary comes with this fear of not having experienced it yet. Not knowing whether its going to rock me to my core or just make me sad.
We are slowly approaching Oct. 13th and I can hardly wait to get it over with, as that will be the last anniversary to experience for the first time. I will now know how to prepare in the future as each anniversary approaches. I know I won’t have the same feelings each time an anniversary passes, but at least I know I have gotten through it before and I can get through it again.
It does get ‘easier’ –? as the memories fade, and the hurt doesn’t sting as bad. I don’t spend my days in a dark room isolated from reality. But, I am hit with a day or two of just plain missing her and being sad. I am blessed to have a God who has been where I have been, and understands the pain. I know He has been merciful to me because I believe in HIM, and He has granted me peace when I have needed it the most. It is because of Him that I am resilient and keep going with usually, a smile on my face. 🙂
Here is Miss Taryn’s headstone
With fresh flowers…. We are allowed to keep silk flowers there. When I was in the hospital dear friends of ours brought us 2 hydrangea. One of them wasn’t liking the hospital, so one of our nurses, she was in my delivery, took it home and planted it in her yard and named it Taryn. When I think of my baby, purple hydrangea’s always pop in my head. I will be buying some silk hydrangea to always keep her grave pretty.
A picture of us holding hands