God: 3 Us: 0

3 is the number of our children God has in heaven with him.

0 is the number of our children we have with us.

We attempted to have another baby on September 21. I went through all the meds and needles, and actually did get pregnant this time around. But, this time instead of miscarrying at 11 weeks it happened very early, I was only 7w3d, today.

This was it for us. This was our last chance to have a biological baby. I’m sure we could try to do another round of IVF, but that means more needles and crazy meds, and my body just can not handle any more of it. I’m running out of places to repeatedly stab myself. And, we can not handle the emotional toll anymore. We give! It is so hard not to feel like failures. There are people everyday who do get pregnant and can’t handle the responsibility of raising a child. And here we are, 2 people who would go above and beyond for our child, and yet our kids keep dying.

I feel like if God tested people to see if they were going to be good parents, we should have passed with Taryn. We gave everything for her. I wish the faithfulness we have had would have been rewarded with a child. But that is clearly not how God works I am seeing. Just because Taryn was taken from us I thought for sure he would come through and bless us either of these last two times. Apparently the blessing will come in some other form, but here, today, any other form but a child just doesn’t feel acceptable.

Please keep us in your prayers as we transition from having this dream no more.

I’m sorry I have been MIA lately. We didn’t really tell anyone about this cycle and since that has been the focus for the last Aug, Sept, Oct…I haven’t had much else on my mind, which would equate to awful writing topics.


7 Replies to “God: 3 Us: 0”

  1. I’m feeling so hopeless for you…but I’m not sure I feel like it is over either. Maybe just one more round…..that is the Grandma in me.. I’ve heard some people take so long and in the end it finally happens. I guess it just depends how much you can endure. And my sweet precious daughter you have endured so much! I love you more than words.


  2. We are so sorry that you have to feel this pain… again…Janelle and Ben. There is really nothing that we can say except that you are in our prayers and that we ask God to help you heal. Healing requires grieving and that process, as you know, can be arduous and takes time. You already know all the feelings that it entails, and there is no easy way to get through it except to go through it your way. You know what to do… We are sad for you and can only trust that God has some plan for your lives that is not evident at this point in time. We can only hope that as you close this door, you will ask for God’s guidance which will eventually lead you on a new path, and that both of you will go holding the Lord’s hands, in yours… We send up a petition to God to help you through this time of loss and to send his healing love as a balm to soothe your aching hearts…


  3. I’m so sorry, Janelle. Your sweet mom…I have to mirror her comment and want to believe there is always HOPE. Only you know what you can handle and as of right now, you can’t handle anymore. Of course you can’t. It’s been hell and back. I’m reminded of the poem ‘footprints’ and I pray that one day you will look back at these very dark days and see only one set of footprints…Him carrying you the entire way. God is going to use you and Ben in a mighty way and I know that you will have a testimony of God’s grace and faithfulness in the future. Praying for you, Janelle. This just sucks. So very sorry.


  4. you are in our prayers

    i constantly have the same feeling of wishing God have parenting tests so i could pass them and have a kid. for some reason he doesn’t select people o ability. i have no idea how parents are chosen or how there is an overwhelming amount of abortions while we cant concieve. it is painful and we feel for you


Comments are closed.