Most mornings when I wake up, I eat my breakfast take a shower, do my hair, dress and leave for work. Usually I think about what my day is going to look like and the things I need to get done after work. And some mornings I wake up and remember that I am different. I am different because my life isn’t just about my husband, family, friends and work. I am different because I have 3 children that aren’t in my life. I am different because I have endured not just 2 miscarriages, but I have given birth to a wonderful beautiful sweet little girl…that has passed away.
God has blessed me more than I ever thought was possible. He has healed and restored my soul to a place where I rarely cry and rarely feel the hurt…to a place where my heart feels more happiness than sadness when I think about Taryn. I don’t feel awkward talking about her anymore. When someone asks me if I have children…I can happily say “yes!”… But she has passed away. For a while I felt like talking about her was taboo, because I didn’t want to make the other person feel uncomfortable. Usually when you tell someone yes you have a daughter but she passed away…they instantly feel horrible for bringing it up – like they should have known better.
When someone passes away it is hard to know what to say to that person and how to act so we instinctually shut-up. But by doing so, we take away the significance of the person’s life who has passed. We take away the opportunity for the loved one to talk joyfully about their beloved.
Adoption for us was a solution to a problem. We can not have children…we desperately want to be parents…so, we are adopting. Typically when I tell someone we are in the middle of an adoption they respond by saying, “Oh how wonderful! That is such a great (read noble) thing for you to do!” And inside I am thinking…NO IT’S NOT!!!! We just want to be parents we aren’t doing this to save a child and give them a better life…we are doing it because we can’t have a biological child!!! It’s a solution to a problem!
Everyday at least once I struggle with my “secret”. I wear a wedding ring to let the world know I have committed my life to my husband through marriage. But there is nothing that tells the world that I am a Mom. I don’t have a car seat in my car. I don’t have a child in tow. I don’t have a house full of baby/kid stuff. (It’s all tucked neatly away in a closet behind closed doors.) I wish there was something I could wear that was a universal symbol of my loss, not for sympathy, but so maybe people would think twice about the way they treat their kids in front of me. It’s hard not to have a sense of bitterness and pass judgment on people when you are in public. When you cherish life the way I do, have sacrificed to save a life the way I have, and love children as much as I do…its hard to understand why people don’t take parenting as seriously I do. And yet in the same thought of judging someone, I have to remember I CAN NOT be judgmental. It’s a way of thinking that I pray about all the time and ask for God to remove from me.
Lately I have either read or have watched something on TV about a child who has been adopted…and how their life has been forever changed because their adoptive parents saved them. How is it that I/we are saving a child whose mom made the decision to place her child for adoption…and we will become their parents because we need a solution to a problem? But, yet again the Lord has come through and has softened my heart and taught me a lesson. We ARE saving a child. We will be giving a child a chance at an amazing (in my opinion) life. We will give this child the blessing of being raised in a Christian home so that they can come to know the Lord and live eternally in heaven. We will give this child a wonderful family and a support system. Our child will be raised with unconditional love, opportunities of education, a safe place to live, and memories of vacations and fun times we’ve experience together. And the cherry on top of the sundae; a mom and dad who are madly in love with each other.
There are girls in my extended family that know all too well about loss…and some of us who have a place in our hearts for adoption. I am amazed when I think of how I come from a family that has no experience with outside adoption. And yet, it’s very possible that we will get to experience the blessing of adding multiple adopted children to our already HUGE family!!
I used to think that sometimes people adopted because they needed to feel important in some way…that they needed to be recognized publicly for saving someone.
But now I know it is a calling. It is a yearning God places on your heart that can’t be ignored.
I can hardly wait to meet the child God has hand-picked to be part of my family!
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