Honesty

hon·es·ty
/ˈänəstē/ noun
1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.
2. truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.
3. freedom from deceit or fraud.
synonyms: sincerity, candor, frankness, directness, bluntness, truthfulness, truth, openness, straightforwardness
“they spoke with honesty about their fears”

Ebbs and flows. It’s been quite a long time since I felt moved to write. 7 years ago today I was laying in the hospital with a phone whose battery was dying trying not to even give much thought to why I was there. I remember so well going with Ben to look at the furniture we picked for her room one last time before we ordered it. We went bathing suit shopping as we were planning a trip to the lake with my parents for June. When we got home I changed into my PJ’s got comfy on the couch and about 15 min later, I starting feeling contractions.

Every year Mother’s day marks the start. It’s a blaring reminder that I am missing one. It starts the countdown from May 24th to October 13th and all the memories and emotions of the date’s in-between. If I am honest I will tell you I live an amazing life. I have been blessed with an amazing husband. We have a son who, by all accounts should be genetically ours. The healing HE has provided is unfathomable. I can also tell you that the healing is hard, and lonely. It’s dark and it’s suffocating. In my currency, to talk about it gives it reality and power. To talk about it means sharing with the people who walked through it with me, who have their own healing and emotions to battle. Who wants to be reminded of this memory?

Distance is how I survive. Learning how to pack memories and emotions up into tiny perfect little boxes that you can close and deal with another time or never is key as well. It helps that I am raising a little man who is bursting with life and energy. The last 4 years have been a whirlwind and there is no time to focus on things outside of watching him grow and navigating all that goes into raising a child. There is just no time to dwell in the past when you are trying to figure out how to stay one step ahead of a kid who has his next 10 steps already planned out. (Insert emoji of a screaming face while pulling hair out…They don’t make that one, but they should – I’d use it a lot.)

I feel like this year it’s time to deal with the memories and emotions head on. I have hit all the stages of grief while working through them w/ a counselor. I have read books on loss, and I have done all the things one is supposed to do so that they can heal properly. I have learned all the correct worldly ways to deal with loosing Taryn. I have prayed and felt GOD’s generous grace and peace even when I haven’t asked for it. But, every year it’s the same misery, fear and panic. This year it’s time to take each memory and battle them with GOD in HIS word. You have to move forward through the fear so you can actually experience reality. I haven’t been strong enough to go toe to toe w/ HIM. I haven’t been ready to hear HIM speak those words of encouragement and love. To finally be in a posture ready to hear HIM speak truth to me is terrifying and overwhelming. But, I need to do it, because HE is asking me to do it.

I kind of figured the blog had been laid to rest. Our Journey to parenthood had been completed. But, there is more to this story – so much more.

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