/ˈänəstē/ noun
1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.
2. truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.
3. freedom from deceit or fraud.
synonyms: sincerity, candor, frankness, directness, bluntness, truthfulness, truth, openness, straightforwardness
“they spoke with honesty about their fears”

Ebbs and flows. It’s been quite a long time since I felt moved to write. 7 years ago today I was laying in the hospital with a phone whose battery was dying trying not to even give much thought to why I was there. I remember so well going with Ben to look at the furniture we picked for her room one last time before we ordered it. We went bathing suit shopping as we were planning a trip to the lake with my parents for June. When we got home I changed into my PJ’s got comfy on the couch and about 15 min later, I starting feeling contractions.

Every year Mother’s day marks the start. It’s a blaring reminder that I am missing one. It starts the countdown from May 24th to October 13th and all the memories and emotions of the date’s in-between. If I am honest I will tell you I live an amazing life. I have been blessed with an amazing husband. We have a son who, by all accounts should be genetically ours. The healing HE has provided is unfathomable. I can also tell you that the healing is hard, and lonely. It’s dark and it’s suffocating. In my currency, to talk about it gives it reality and power. To talk about it means sharing with the people who walked through it with me, who have their own healing and emotions to battle. Who wants to be reminded of this memory?

Distance is how I survive. Learning how to pack memories and emotions up into tiny perfect little boxes that you can close and deal with another time or never is key as well. It helps that I am raising a little man who is bursting with life and energy. The last 4 years have been a whirlwind and there is no time to focus on things outside of watching him grow and navigating all that goes into raising a child. There is just no time to dwell in the past when you are trying to figure out how to stay one step ahead of a kid who has his next 10 steps already planned out. (Insert emoji of a screaming face while pulling hair out…They don’t make that one, but they should – I’d use it a lot.)

I feel like this year it’s time to deal with the memories and emotions head on. I have hit all the stages of grief while working through them w/ a counselor. I have read books on loss, and I have done all the things one is supposed to do so that they can heal properly. I have learned all the correct worldly ways to deal with loosing Taryn. I have prayed and felt GOD’s generous grace and peace even when I haven’t asked for it. But, every year it’s the same misery, fear and panic. This year it’s time to take each memory and battle them with GOD in HIS word. You have to move forward through the fear so you can actually experience reality. I haven’t been strong enough to go toe to toe w/ HIM. I haven’t been ready to hear HIM speak those words of encouragement and love. To finally be in a posture ready to hear HIM speak truth to me is terrifying and overwhelming. But, I need to do it, because HE is asking me to do it.

I kind of figured the blog had been laid to rest. Our Journey to parenthood had been completed. But, there is more to this story – so much more.


Life with Luke

1st let me say…I know I’ve abandoned you! I have not posted one single thing about Luke! I am guilty of thinking I would actually have the time and energy to blog every detail! Ha! I always write late at night, and now that I’m sleep deprived writing is absolutely not on my list of things to do. Not to mention, most days I can’t remember if I have showered yet and what my name is.

Luke is doing great…we have been dealing with the nightmare that is formula and trying to find the one that his body likes best. His doctor finally said he had to go on Nutramigen as he is not tolerating the dairy in formula. (Are you sure I didn’t birth him???) So for his 1st 5 weeks the longest he would sleep would be 2 hr increments. I. Was. Exhausted. Once we got him on the Nutramigen, he started sleeping! Hallelujah!! Then….he started having breathing problems while sleeping. And this mom does not do well with breathing issues. So…back to the doctor he went…diagnosed with reflux! The doctor he saw was not his regular Ped as he was out of town. And she went with a very very very non-aggressive approach…did I mention VERY non-aggressive? So, as time has gone on we are getting more and more concerned with his reflux and the side effects of the medication she has him taking. Sooo back to the doctor, his doctor, we go tomorrow to get this whole thing properly dealt with.

Luke is an amazing little boy. Besides all the tummy troubles he is so mellow and easy going. At his 5 week check up he was 11.11lbs…85% for weight! This little boy, no matter how bad the formula is hurting his belly, is thriving!! He loves his mommy, yes I’m biased….he whips his head around when he hears my voice, and usually if nothing is making him happy all it takes is for me to hold him and he settles right down. I pretty much have him memorized and can usually tell just by the sounds he is making exactly what he needs…and sometimes I think people think I’m crazy. He’ll be making a certain sound and I’ll say, oh he’s tired. Hold him in your left arm tight, put the pacifier in his mouth and pat his butt. And sure enough…2 min later he’s asleep! Or he will fuss and I’ll say oh he needs to burp…and sure enough he will let out a man sized burp. (Poor kid…I think his burps are more manly than daddy’s!).

Ben has taken to Fatherhood without any hesitation. It’s as if he’s always been a dad! What a blessing it is to have a husband who was not afraid of “breaking” the baby. Since the moment Luke was born he’s been right there feeding and changing dirty diapers! We’ve always made a great team and parenthood has been no exception. Right now Bens’s favorite time with Luke is right after his bath. I give him his bath and get him all clean and smelling delicious, and then hand him off to Ben for cuddling, a bottle, and then falling asleep for the night. (Sometimes for both of them 🙂 ).

I’m still at home with Luke, and will be for the next 2 weeks. I go back to work in February, and I am not thrilled. I can’t imagine being away from him. But thankfully we are able to keep him home and we have some very eager and excited volunteers to help us out! But, that does not make it any easier for me. 😦 The other thing is…I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through the day with out sleeping in or taking a nap!!! I’m hoping once the reflux is under control Luke’s sleeping will improve as well. It also doesn’t help that my most favorite times with him are rocking him at night when he wakes up to eat. Lately I’ve been falling asleep in the rocking chair…which is not helping the sleep deprivation at all!

We are loving our roles as parents and still trying to find our rhythm, which I’m told never really happens cuz kids like to keep you guessing! Luke has brought such an unspeakable joy to our lives and we are constantly pinching ourselves to make sure it’s all real!

Well, I’m off to go “dream feed” Luke so I can go to sleep! I promise I will try harder to be a better blogger!

Here’s my current favorite picture…again I can’t believe I didn’t birth him! He sleeps exactly like his daddy!!


2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 5,600 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 9 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.



Clearly the last 2 weeks were not “the weeks” to welcome Mr. Luke!

I can’t believe we have 5 more days till A is due!!!

We have everything set and ready to go. We are ready. Our house looks like we have everything a new-born will need. We look like people who are going to be bringing a baby home any day now. Yet, I do not fully believe we will be bringing a baby home.

I have zero concern that A will change her mind. I know that Luke is the child God has hand picked for us to raise. But with everything we have gone through my brain is conditioned not to fully imagine him home with us. My heart is conditioned not be disappointed when things don’t go as planned. So, my excitement is reserved. I am as excited as a mom can be after experiencing so much loss. If I had to measure it…I’d say on a scale of 1-10, I’m at an 8.

Today I sat in Luke’s room drinking a cup of coffee and rocking in the rocking chair…and I was thinking 1) how much I adore his room and 2) Wow! How blessed we are. I can not believe how faithful God is. I was so afraid that we were not meant to be parents. I was so afraid that even adoption was going to leave us empty handed. I struggled to even trust God to work in our adoption for fear he wouldn’t allow us a child. I still held out hope though…how could adoption be a bad thing? We are good people who want to raise a child to know Him. God designed us to be parents after all…right?

Things have happened and worked out so perfectly that only God could have made it happen. We are not just “lucky”…we are blessed to experience His grace. He doesn’t promise an easy happy life, but He does promise to always take care of us. Blessed, is exactly how I feel. Overwhelmed by His grace, leaves my heart so full it feels as though it might burst!

We only have a handful of days left, please keep us in your prayers!
-We need safe travels we are driving 5hrs one way.
-We need clarity while at the hospital. Even though we have worked out a birth plan with A, this is all new to everyone and we just want it to go smoothly.
-All nerves will be settled and we would all be calm.
-Safety for A. Besides delivering early with her last pregnancy, she had some complications during the delivery and she is nervous of a repeat.
-A healthy and happy Luke!
-And last but not least, continued prayers over the rest of the adoption process. While we have no fears that we won’t be bringing Luke home, that doesn’t mean satan won’t try and and put some road blocks in our path.

Thank you everyone!

Could it be?

Keep us in your prayers!!! I think this could be the week!

A’s belly dropped last week, and last night she called to tell me about some changes her body was going through that typically signal a delivery is coming soon…like in a few days! And, this morning she woke up with a really sore lower back.

But…..of course it could all be just coincidental too!!!! It’s like when your finger hurts and you aren’t sure why so you google it only to find out, that everything points to a tumor! :). It’s so hard to pinpoint symptoms sometimes but, the biggest symptom she has is she “feels” like he is coming soon! God didn’t give us women intuition for noth’n!

Anyhow we are all packed and ready w/ clothes and snacks!!

Tick-Tock Tick-Tock

I am dying!  We received ultrasound news yesterday from A about Luke!  He is doing wonderfully, has a great strong heart beat and is very healthy!  The big question of the day was “How much does the munchkin weigh?”  Poor A is all belly and everyone, even the doctor thought he was going to be a big baby.  They were telling her that she was probably going to have to have a c-section if he was 9 lbs.  Well…he is just a little peanut!!  He is 6 lbs 13 oz right now.  (As best as they can tell)  A has 21 days left – she is 37.1 weeks!

So, it’s a regular delivery for A which I am happy about because she was so afraid of having a c-section, and really wants to try to not do an epidural during the delivery!  (LOL I told her she was crazy!  But more power to her!  It hurt so bad pushing a 1 lb 4 oz baby I can’t imagine pushing a full term 7 lb baby!!!)

She has her weekly Doctor appointment tomorrow in the morning, so we will get more info about the ultrasound, and I am sure he is going to see if her body has made any more progress.  I totally assumed that we were in for a c-section so I had a date stuck in my head of when they were going to be doing it!  NOW…I have to wait like every other person does!!!

I have on some level become good at being patient.  But I just discovered my patience is only great when it’s a stressful situation. 🙂 Right now I am like a 5-year-old who has just been told they are going to Disneyland in a week!  I cannot relax!!!  Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy my “last” moments with my husband and to enjoy the peace and quiet and sleep!  BUT SERIOUSLY WHO CARES!!!!  I am going to be a mom soon!!!  Ben and I have always worked hard to hold our relationship in high priority.  We cling to one another in the most extreme situations and love spending time together.  We are ready for this baby!  We are ready for our life to be turned upside down and to learn how to navigate through this new phase together. We were ready 3 years ago when we started trying; we were ready when Taryn was born; and we ARE READY to get Luke home NOW!

Pray for patience for me 🙂 clearly I need it!  hehehe

Baby Shower info

This is kind-of a weird post topic for me to throw out there….

But my intention is to avoid anyone feeling left out, and to remove the assumption that I must want a lot of gifts…which is not the case at all.

This journey we have been on has touched many people’s lives. And the support we have received from all of you is a big reason why we are still going to strong. So, during the 1st weekend of January we will be having the baby shower, and Mr. Luke will be there to say hi!! I’m calling it more of a “Celebration – FINALLY – We have crossed the finish line! – We are done! – Welcome Home Luke – Baby Shower”!!!! 😉

So I wanted to extend an invitation out to anyone who would like to come. Send me an email, call me, text me, snail mail me, Facebook me….some how, some way let me know that you want to come and celebrate our miracle with us!!! I have my invite list from the wedding, new friends we have met along the way, and Christmas cards exchanged…. But there are a lot of you who have quietly been supporting us and wouldn’t necessarily come to a party at our house–but want to be there for this occasion. And we would love nothing more than to have each and everyone of you come celebrate with us!!!

So please share your address with me (not in the comments section here, as its public) but at: Ourjourneyinfaith {at} hotmail {dot} com.

Thank you!!! We’re getting closer and closer!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

Counting Down!

Lots of things to share!

} Next week when “A” goes in for her weekly Dr. appointment they are going to do an ultrasound to check and see how big Luke is. If he is 9lbs they will be scheduling a c-section. SO, it’s quite possible that Luke will be here the week of November 12th! If he is not that big…then only time will tell when he will decide he his ready – his due date is November 22nd.

} The painting in Luke’s room is complete! We painted the walls a light grey, and the trim a bright white. The ceiling is the same grey we used on the walls just 75% lighter. We then added white & blue stripes on the walls using a laser level! Here are some pictures.








} All the furniture will be delivered Tomorrow!! I am so excited! I can hardly wait to get it all set-up in the room!

} All the blankets and clothes are washed and ready to be put away! Our stroller should be here in a week or so and then we are ready! Once we get the furniture in and drapes up, I will be able to visualize better how to decorate the room with all the little accents.

} And last but not least…cuz I'm that crazy lady…I am trying to induce lactation. Meaning, I really want to be able to breast feed. So, I started taking birth control and another medication to get "the girls" prepared. Yesterday I stopped taking the BC, started pumping and taking a handful of herbs that are known to help with milk production. On my 2nd session I got a few drops!! So far I probably have gotten about 10 ml of breast milk, which is very encouraging considering you usually don't start getting anything for a couple of weeks. We shall see how successful I am, I'm hoping to be able to exclusively breast feed but, when you induce lactation it is typical that you don't produce the same amount that you would have had you been pregnant. So, supplementing with formula might be inevitable.

Anyhow, that is what we are up too!