Ok. So. I decided to fast from the Internet for a week to focus my prayers on Taryn’s lungs and weight gain. I was to start this a few days ago on thursday. And to be honest I haven’t prayed once. I had every intention of doing it but I just couldn’t stay focused enough to pray. And, i was mad and frustrated with God. My little girl is fighting so hard to stay alive and I was just so mad that he couldn’t give her a break.
Thursday they put her back on the vent in hopes of it helping the co2 issue. It hasn’t.
We haven’t been to church since the week Taryn was born. For a couple of weeks I was just too sore, then it seemed like we had plans every Saturday after that. And really it’s all just a poor excuse. So we FINALLY made it to church tonight. Do you ever feel like the pastor snuck into your life and wrote a sermon just for you? The sermon was on prayer. Huh, how fitting. Thank you Lord, you have quite the sense of humor.
After the sermon we took communion and they brought up all the elders and if you wanted someone to pray for you, you could have them pray privately with you. So we waited for our pastor who married us and we prayed. I was a wreck. The weight of everything has just been too much for me lately and it’s no wonder because I haven’t given it up to God, I’ve been trying to carry it all on my own. You’d think I’d figure it out by now. But no. I like to test the waters every now and then to see if I can get by on my own. (Read that last sentence in the most sarcastic tone).
After church we went to dinner with my parents. My phone rings and it’s the NICU. So not a number you ever want to see pop up on caller ID. Long story short, they extubated Taryn and put her on the nasal therm. This is like the little plastic tube with prongs that fit into your nostrils. It delivers a flow of oxygen. Well, she seems to like it. The also moved her feeding tube to go down her nose and throat and into her belly instead of going into her mouth down her throat and into her belly. Her mouth is finally her own, for the first time she doesn’t have something in there.
Did all this happen tonight because of prayer. Yes. Can it change tomorrow? Yes. Does that mean God changed his mind? No. Trust me when I get to heaven I’m gonna ask why all this was necessary. But, I know prayer works and I know God hears our prayers. So, really the only thing, the best thing I can do for Taryn is pray. And now that I’ve broken down my nice little wall I built to separate myself from God I can actually do that. It’s so nice to know he is in the business of forgiveness because man I’d be in trouble if he wasn’t.
Back to the fasting…I haven’t “cheated” by going on-line, and I also wasn’t praying! So I’m moving forward with the fast and taking it seriously. I know I’m on my blog. But right now I need the writing. I need the outlet. There are things I can’t talk about but I can write about them and they need to be written down and off my chest so I can better deal. So, I’m going to let myself blog. And by the way my blog automatically posts to Facebook, so NO I’m still not on facebook right now. I’ve been out of the loop for 3 days and it’s kill’n me. 🙂
Here are some pictures of her from tonight. You can finally see her cute little face! And, how much she has grown! She is 2 lbs 8 oz now!!!!!
And thank you Lord for your never failing grace and commitment to taking care of us.