2 Years Later

It’s been 2 years. Who would have thought that on this side of two years we would have finished painting the room in boy colors, and ordering our Son’s furniture. Two years ago I wasn’t sure how my world was going to go on. I wasn’t sure how I could recover from such devastation. I wasn’t even sure I’d ever stop crying.

Thankfully I didn’t have to worry about the how’s. Yes, I worked hard while going to therapy, and yes I pressed forward with the determination of a bulldog. But, all the emotional ups and downs and heart healing God took care of. People always say “I don’t know how you did it”. And the truth is I didn’t really have to do much more than surrender. Of course I’m simplifying 2 years, but honestly the hard times I had were because I was trying to do the healing on my own instead of fully surrendering to God and letting Him help me.

I have learned much about surrender in these last 2 years. You get to a breaking point and say “I can’t do it on my own anymore here, you do it”…and He does! πŸ™‚ And then things move happily along and you start to take control back and you think, “I can handle this”. And that’s when you are telling God – He can take a break you got it and know better. Then life falls apart again!!! Surprise. Surprise. And you find yourself afraid of giving Him control because that means that things could happen in a way that you don’t want…but the truth is His way is ALWAYS better!! Even if it is the opposite to what you are praying for and what your heart’s deepest desire is.

We wanted nothing more than a full life for our Girl here on earth with us. But, God didn’t answer our prayers in the way WE wanted. I have yet to understand exactly why, but I can say I am at peace. My girl is in heaven with my Heavenly Father – no better place to be, and we will one day be reunited with her. And that right there, is what has truly gotten me through these last 2 years. I will see me baby again one day and I will have eternity to spend with her.

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Our First Meeting

Oh look! It’s Friday, and I promised I would give you an update last Sunday. I really shouldn’t do that since my writing is based on how I creative I am feeling. Tonight I am lacking the creativity so the update will be….boring….

We drove 3 hrs north on the 99 Friday and spent the night in a hotel. A hotel where 2 bus loads of high schoolers were dropped off to “sleep”. It was a rough night to say the least. We got up early and drove another 2.5 hrs north to meet “A” and the Birth Father and their boys. Also, “A’s” mom came to meet us too. We had lunch, and then the Hus, me, ‘A’ and her mom all drove over to the ultrasound facility to get a sneak peak of the little man. This ultrasound facility is strictly a place you go for fun to see your baby in 3d/4d ultrasound. They are not doctors and can not diagnose anything.

Well the little Mr. was sleeEEEPing!!! He did not want to move into a better position. And actually we tried to get him to move so he did….he turned his back to us! We did get some really cute pictures though. He likes to sleep all day and around 9 or 10 in the evening just as “A” is settling down, he starts waking up and moving like crazy! After the ultrasound we went to Starbucks and sat outside for a couple of hrs, just talking and sharing.

After we were done chatting, we parted ways and headed back down south to our hotel where we stayed one more night in a not very quite and relaxing room, no thanks to the 2 bus loads of kids who were there for a 2nd night too.

So, it was a great trip! It was nice to meet everyone before the big day and to get to know them better in-person.

Here is a picture of Luke! His face looks all smushed up because he was pressing his face against her side. (It was like if we were to push our face against a piece of glass.)

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Ready for “Normal”

Nothing negative has happened. Nothing has changed in our adoption plans. But, you know… today I’m tired of siting on the edge of my seat. Since May 24, 2010 I have been at the mercy of the universe in regards to how to get my child home. I use universe here because when I think like this I feel like its just bad “luck”. Not that my God has left me or that He choose these bad things to happen to me. I just feel like its bad “luck”. I know I’ve been refined and polished through these last 2 years and I’m a better person for it. But, I guess I’m just ready for a break.

For 2 years I feel I have been tethered to my phone for an “in-case there is an emergency” situation. It was always T’s health. Being able to get in-touch with the Husband anytime. Having the phone at the ready in-case I had an emergency while pregnant. Having the phone ready in-case something went wrong with one of our cycles. Having the phone ready in-case something was wrong w/ adoption paperwork. Having the phone ready so we wouldn’t miss the call telling us we had been chosen. And now, having the phone ready so we can make the birth of our Son.

All the “having the phone ready” is exhausting and draining. I know motherhood brings worry and nerves and I’ll always be looking at my phone if I am away from him. But that is normal worry. My worries have not been of the normal variety. I’m craving normal in the child department, and really just can’t wait for the moment we are all loaded in the car and driving away from the hospital on our way home.

8 More Weeks!

We have 8 weeks left! Last week the Dr. Moved “A’s” due date up by one week…to Thanksgiving Day!!! It could be a Hospital Thanksgiving dinner for us! It’s weird to think that it was just last year’s Thanksgiving when we learned that we could start the Adoption process – the Lord’s plans never cease to amaze amuse me!

I talk frequently with A, and the more and more we chat the more we discover the parallels of our family’s histories, and the similarities in what we want for our children. (She has 2 children she is parenting already). Again – we are amazed and grateful of the grace the Lord has given us and how perfectly He has organized everything. It is so uncanny the way things have worked out for us that it can only be the work of our Lord

A is getting bigger and bigger by the week, and feeling more and more pregnant. She delivered her other 2 children around the same gestational week I delivered our daughter. (That was one of the reasons she picked us, we both delivered micro-preemies. That and she saw the husband’s smile and thought he looked like such a nice guy!). She has never experienced being pregnant at 31 weeks and this is when it starts to get rough and uncomfortable. So we just keep praying for her physical comfort and that she does go full-term as there is that possibility for an early delivery though, the Dr. doesn’t feel she will deliver early this time. She hasn’t changed her mind about her decision, if anything she feels more relieved and sure of it since getting to know us better.

We have started planning and buying the few things we will need immediately. We have all the clothes for the first few weeks, my mom is getting the bassinet ready for us, (my cousin, me, and my brother all used the same one) we have diapers, bottles, a diaper bag, and borrowing a car-seat till we get ours. We are planning to do a meet our little man / baby shower in January!
We cleared out the nursery and will be adding storage to the closet – thank you to my handy husband! We primed the room Saturday, and one of the walls needs another coat of primer as the room had 3 pink walls and one dark brown wall. Sometime this week will finish the priming and get started on painting.

The room is going to be grey and we are going to do this stripe at the top. But, where the red is will be blue, and where the blue is will be grey…20120924-233214.jpg

We have picked the crib bedding… 20120924-233506.jpg

This is the crib we decided on in black…

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And…there are a million other things a few more things we need to do before he arrives! I clean when I have excess nervous energy. So things like washing all the drapes, cleaning all the carpets moving furniture and vacuuming behind it. And reorganizing the guest bedroom so that Grammy and Nanna have a nice place to stay and somewhere to put their things. {Have we settled on that name Mom? I think it’s sweeter than just plain Grandma πŸ™‚ }

Anyhow, that’s what’s been going on with us! There are so many other details but, most of the ones that are up in the air will remain that way ’till she delivers and gets released from the hospital.
Please continue to pray for peace, comfort and excitement for us! Pray for A that she is able to have physical comfort the rest of her pregnancy. And pray for peace and comfort for her as well. And lastly she is nervous that everything is going ok with the pregnancy, because she delivered early last time – Her Dr. isn’t doing the greatest job of calming her fears and answering her questions. My heart goes out to her because I understand those fears. Nothing is worse than being pregnant with the big black cloud of “Am I going to deliver early like last time!??” that hangs over your head. We want this baby to go full term, and so does she!

Thank you for the continued support!!! I really can’t fathom what it will feel like to be able to start talking about OUR SON, on HERE!!! On. This.

    Fertility Blog

…that has turned into

    An Adoption Blog

,,,and next on the list…a Mommy Blog!
Whoopee!!!!!! πŸ™‚

Just a Quick Update!

We have been speaking with our Birth mother for about 2 weeks now! And that means 2 less weeks to wait! We have about 13 weeks more to go. She did deliver her twins early @25 weeks, but there’s no indication from her Doctor or mine that early labor is going to happen again….but of course we pray and pray and pray for full term!!!!

‘A’ is up-beat, content in her decision, and typically refers to “the baby” as “your baby”! Each time we talk, we both can’t seem to get off the phone with out thanking the other person for who they are as they are such a huge blessing!!!!

After going through so much loss and being so uncertain if Taryn was going to come home, I set my mind that I was not going to buy 1 thing until we brought our baby home. Then! We would do a shower and celebrate!!!!!

But, after talking to ‘A’ and hearing the certainty in her voice I can’t help but let my imagination take off and start planning how we are going decorate his room and what furniture to pick out.

I found a very simple design from Restoration Hardware that is just so perfect.

20120829-225417.jpgIt is navy blue, and grey and is a ticking stripe style. We know we love the bedding…but we don’t know how we are going to paint and what kind of stripe design do we want on the walls??? In a few days life will settle down and we can start thinking about all this obsessively! =-). So! I guess I’ve decided that, planning for our little man’s arrival is going to happen for sure before he gets here…and not afterwards!

Please keep ‘A’ in your prayers. She has a cold right now, is getting bigger and more tired and uncomfortable. She goes in for the standard gestational diabetes test on Friday and I’d love it if you could remember her then, and pray the test is negative. (all preggos have to have the test). Also, pray for her strength. She sounds extremely strong and sure of her decision, but there is always a chance that her heart could change. She says it won’t once she delivers….I just pray for peace and clarity for her.—& strong nerves for the hus and I!!!!

Our Heart’s Desire

We wanted to share with everyone that our Son will be born in about 13 weeks!

One more time…OUR SON WILL BE BORN IN 13 WEEKS!!!!

We received the call on Wednesday afternoon from our Attorney that we were selected. We needed get a couple of things clarified about the situation before we could say “yes” we wanted to proceed. Thursday we were supposed to have our first conversation with the mom “A” but she was not feeling well. We made a plan with our attorney today to speak w/ A this evening.

‘A’ is a wonderful person. Her and her long time boyfriend know that they will not be able to care for the baby how they would like too, and want to bless a family who can not have children. They are 100% confident, in their decision as they decided very early on they wanted to place the baby for adoption.

We spoke tonight for 2+ hrs and it was like talking to an old friend! She is an open book, has a great head on her shoulders, sweet as pie, and is so relieved and excited we said yes! She saw our profile as soon as it went up on our Attorney’s website in July, and knew right away no other family would do, we had to be her son’s parents. She was so afraid that another family would pick us that she called the Attorney multiple times a week and sometimes a day. She lives in CA about 4.5 hrs away from us so it will be a long 4.5 hrs of driving when we get the call she is in labor..but at least we will be able to get there before she delivers! She wants us in the delivery room so that we can be there from the moment our Son takes his first breath.

The hus and I are stunned…shocked…excited…stunned…shocked….amazed…shocked!!!! Never in our wildest dreams did we think we would be matched this quickly. And never in our wildest dreams did we think that we would have 100% of our criteria for a birth mom fulfilled. She is healthy, no drug history, and really cares about taking care of herself and the baby.

God’s grace and mercy is amazing. We feel so loved and blessed by Him. His promises are true, and he always works for our good.

Thank you all for continuing to stand next to us and support us in this Journey!

Square -1

Remember how I said yesterday I’d probably be at square one “tomorrow” which is actually now today?

I’d say I’m at square -1!

When we got in the NICU, they said it will be like a roller coaster! For us the roller coaster “looking back” was probably the equivalent of Space Mountain.

Adoption is also described as a roller coaster. But, this ride is the equivalent of a combo of that really tall roller coaster at state line (Las Vegas) and the New York New York coaster in Vegas. I cried before, during, and after both of them….and never again will I get on either of them.

Today it seems, because I found some peace yesterday…satan has attacked me hard. Panic attacks and exhaustion have been what I have dealt with all day. At work my sole job is to help fix people’s problems with medical insurance and usually I dive in as I love finding solutions and helping. Today I’m pretty sure I just took up space. Having days like this don’t happen often and when they do, I usually need to be holed up in my bedroom in bed watching TV.

Please pray for me. Even music hasn’t taken the edge off today.

Making a Connection

As Christians it’s vital that we know how to connect with God. Since we are all unique and all have different “Love Languages” with people, it’s only natural that we connect with Him in different ways. For me, reading the bible is where I have the least connection with God. To me I feel it’s more like reading a history text book, which it is…than reading HIS words to me. Don’t get me wrong, I go to the bible and read…I just don’t necessarily come away “feeling it”.

For me it is ALL about music. (Christian music) Music is where God gets my attention. I have no doubt that God knows this and uses it to put me at ease, give me hope, teach me humility or puts me in a place of praise. When I listen to music I can give him my undivided attention so I can hear Him.

When I went into labor w/ Taryn one song, that I cannot for the life of me remember played in my head for 24hrs straight. Chris Tomlin’s “Our God” was what was playing in my head the 24+ hrs before/after Taryn passed. And I can’t even begin to share all the other songs that the Lord placed on my heart and filled my head with over the last 2 years that brought me comfort through some really rough times.

It’s no wonder that when I got in my car this morning, and turned on Pandora I was able to see the common thread of all the songs that played. {I love having access to Gods personal playlist for my life!. ~And, yes…I do believe He cares about the tiniest details so much so, that He would put together a playlist just for me!! }. They were all about having hope in God’s plan for our life…that He is big enough to take care of everything…if we just let Him!!

Since we submitted our profile to our attorney in July, I have been really stressed about many things.
…Is our profile pretty enough
…Are we nice enough looking
…Did we pick the right clothes to wear for our pictures
…Did we say the right things
…Did we describe ourselves well enough
…Is our home nice enough for someone to want their child to live in it
…Will this person hate cats & we have 2
…Will they understand how devoted we will be to their child
…Do we sound too desperate for a child
…Can they tell how badly we want to a child
…Are there plenty of Birth moms that our Attorney works with that match our criteria
…Should we use additional methods of advertising to reach more Birth moms
…Is our criteria too strict

And really the list goes on & on!!!! And what I was able to hear from God this morning was Him saying “I’ve got this! You are NOT going to be perfect for thousands of women out there…you are going to be perfect for the baby I have already chosen for you!” I took a deep breath in, blew it out and said, “Lord YOU are so right! I always try to do things on my own…and then I become overwhelmed, and discouraged.”

We need to keep “plugged in” to Him. However and whatever keeps you connected, make it happen! He has huge shoulders and can carry way more than we can. He wants to connect to us but we always manage to stand in the way! And, it seems…things always work better when He is control and we are not! —Weird how that works!! :). So, this evening as I am getting ready to fall asleep I can do so confidently knowing He has it all under control.
Ask me tomorrow if I will need ANOTHER dose of worship music to get my thinking back on track!…chances are I will say YES!!

PS…this is a particular realization that happens on a very regular basis for me…it wouldn’t be shocking that I wake up tomorrow forgetting all of this and will have to start from square one again! Thank goodness He is FULL of grace…and there’s lots of music to listen to! πŸ™‚

How do you connect with Him?

July’s Update

Well! We received our first “Monthly Adoption Update” from our Attorney today.

Each month sometime between the 1st – 10th we will get an update on how many profiles have gone out to the different birth mothers.

Right now what the process looks like for us is this…

There are 4 initial criteria that we select to narrow down the population of birth mothers.
1.) Gender – We get to have a preference of the gender we want.
2.) Ethnicity – We get to pick the ethnicity or combination of ethnicities the child will have.
3.) Drug Exposure – We get to select how much/what kind of drugs we are OK w/ the child being exposed to.
4.) Birth Mother (BM) expenses – We as adoptive parents pay for a portion and/or certain things for the BM. Things like maternity clothes, rent, food, transportation costs to Dr appointments or the adoption counselor. Typically if she does not have medical insurance the attorney will help her get state insurance so there are usually not any medical bills we would have to pay for. Each BM has her own unique situation and unique financial needs that fall into a low, middle, or high range for expenses. Each range has a dollar amount attached and whatever works for our budget is how we decide which range we fit into.

Once you figure out where you fall in the above criteria, if the birth mom lines up with those things she is given your (and anyone else contracted with the attorney) profile. She looks through all the profiles, and decides who her 1st, 2nd, 3rd choice is. Her first pick of adoptive parents are notified and will get her entire file including medical history and then they decide if they would like to move forward with the match. If they want to move forward, a meeting on the phone or in person is set up. If the meeting is a success and BOTH parties want to move forward it is considered a “match” and we all get to know each other while we wait for the baby to be born. One thing we LOVED about the way our attorney works, is that he does not let the BM select an adoptive family until she is is in her 3rd trimester. So our wait time once we move forward with the match will be 3 months to 1 week! We loved that the attorney likes to counsel the BM and give her enough time to clearly decide if adoption is right for HER. That way there is less pressure on her and less of a risk to us of her changing her mind…because remember… that baby is not officially ours till 24hrs after he/she is discharged from the hospital. Can you say a stressful 24hrs!!!

Our profile has been given to 9 birth mothers!! From what I have read of the experiences of other adoptive parents who are doing a domestic adoption, we seem to be average + in terms of how many moms the attorney is working with who match our criteria. Of course it’s nice to know if our criteria is too “picky”, but the bottom line is it doesn’t matter how many moms see us it’s all about the one who picks us! :). So, based on the list below there are 6 girls who have not picked a family yet…they could pick us.
1. 7/11 D. M.
2. 7/12 S. M.
3. 7/12 B. – Screened out of the program due to extensive drug use.
4. 7/18 S.
5. 7/19 J. A.
6. 7/25 M.
7. 7/26 J. H.
8. 7/27 A. G – has chosen but isn’t matched
9. 7/30 K – has chosen but isn’t matched

We will continue to get this monthly update until we are selected…torture or renewed hope…I pray each day we stay hopeful!

I’ve talked a lot about our profile and how long it took for us to create it, and how much of an important role it plays in the adoption. Click —>;; here if you would like to see what it looks like!

And please keep praying our baby home with us!!