What it’s like

*************WARNING************
This post is lacking that feel good sort-a vibe
This post is not about any one person
It isn’t because someone did or said something wrong
I’m just venting, it’s not personal

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 I haven’t written much on how I’m doing or how I feel about this whole process.  Most of the time when someone asks how I’m doing I say I’m good, or it’s hard.  But quite frankly it sucks.  There are days it takes everything out of me to get out of bed.  I feel like I have spent more time crying by myself than I have not.  I don’t even really know how to put into words all the things I think about or feel.  Normally I can talk about what I’m going through, 4+ years of therapy taught me how to do that.  But, for some reason talking through this is so very hard.  It is emotionally and physically exhausting, and it is easier to just cry than it is to explain to someone or myself how I am feeling.  Sometimes it’s irritating when people try to tell me it is all going to be OK when I am not feeling all happy-go-lucky at that moment.  Sometimes I feel like people don’t get that I had a very traumatic pregnancy, and I had a traumatic birth and I’m allowed to still be affected by it.  My baby is on the brink of survival.  Yes, I report that she is doing well, but she is doing well for a baby who is very sick.

 I’m not going off the deep end, or hopeless, or mad at God…I’m just being real.

 I am reading this book that deals with all the emotions of being a parent to a preemie and ran across this section that really puts into words what it is like.  I am sure some of you wonder what it feels like, so here it is.  This is what I’m going through.

•  You may fear the worst, but because you are too frightened to consider the possibilities, you try to remain positive and hopeful.
• Your hope that everything will turn out okay gives you confidence, but your worries make you uncertain.
• Your feelings of joy that your baby survived are coupled with sadness for what you and your baby have lost.
• Proud that you carried your baby past a certain number of weeks, you may also feel a deep sense of failure that you weren’t able to bring your baby closer to term.
• You may think that you must somehow have contributed to your baby’s current situation, even though rationally you know are not responsible for it.
• You may feel responsible for what happens to your baby, yet powerless to do anything to change the situation.
• Although you long for your baby, you may resist going to see him or her in the NICU because you dread what you will see.
• When you do see your baby, you may feel a surge of devotion or numb detachment.
• You may feel resentment toward the NICU or certain medical professionals and, at the same time, eternal gratitude for the technology and the skilled and dedicated staff who are working to save your baby’s life.
• You may pity the families whose babies are doing worse than yours and envy those whose babies are doing better.
• The ups and downs of your infant’s medical course during the NICU stay my bring on unpredictable extremes of optimism and pessimism.
• When your baby comes home, you may be eager to get out of the house or have family and friends over, but you’re also terrified because of the dangers it could pose to your baby.
• As you watch your baby grow, you are grateful for ever milestone achieved but always worried about the next one.
  Parenting Your Premature Baby and Child
  -The Emotional Journey

 That in a nut shell is what it is like.  I’m faithful in the Lord and his plans for our family, but this has been a really rough thing to go through and I can’t wait for it to be over.