Making a Connection

As Christians it’s vital that we know how to connect with God. Since we are all unique and all have different “Love Languages” with people, it’s only natural that we connect with Him in different ways. For me, reading the bible is where I have the least connection with God. To me I feel it’s more like reading a history text book, which it is…than reading HIS words to me. Don’t get me wrong, I go to the bible and read…I just don’t necessarily come away “feeling it”.

For me it is ALL about music. (Christian music) Music is where God gets my attention. I have no doubt that God knows this and uses it to put me at ease, give me hope, teach me humility or puts me in a place of praise. When I listen to music I can give him my undivided attention so I can hear Him.

When I went into labor w/ Taryn one song, that I cannot for the life of me remember played in my head for 24hrs straight. Chris Tomlin’s “Our God” was what was playing in my head the 24+ hrs before/after Taryn passed. And I can’t even begin to share all the other songs that the Lord placed on my heart and filled my head with over the last 2 years that brought me comfort through some really rough times.

It’s no wonder that when I got in my car this morning, and turned on Pandora I was able to see the common thread of all the songs that played. {I love having access to Gods personal playlist for my life!. ~And, yes…I do believe He cares about the tiniest details so much so, that He would put together a playlist just for me!! }. They were all about having hope in God’s plan for our life…that He is big enough to take care of everything…if we just let Him!!

Since we submitted our profile to our attorney in July, I have been really stressed about many things.
…Is our profile pretty enough
…Are we nice enough looking
…Did we pick the right clothes to wear for our pictures
…Did we say the right things
…Did we describe ourselves well enough
…Is our home nice enough for someone to want their child to live in it
…Will this person hate cats & we have 2
…Will they understand how devoted we will be to their child
…Do we sound too desperate for a child
…Can they tell how badly we want to a child
…Are there plenty of Birth moms that our Attorney works with that match our criteria
…Should we use additional methods of advertising to reach more Birth moms
…Is our criteria too strict

And really the list goes on & on!!!! And what I was able to hear from God this morning was Him saying “I’ve got this! You are NOT going to be perfect for thousands of women out there…you are going to be perfect for the baby I have already chosen for you!” I took a deep breath in, blew it out and said, “Lord YOU are so right! I always try to do things on my own…and then I become overwhelmed, and discouraged.”

We need to keep “plugged in” to Him. However and whatever keeps you connected, make it happen! He has huge shoulders and can carry way more than we can. He wants to connect to us but we always manage to stand in the way! And, it seems…things always work better when He is control and we are not! —Weird how that works!! :). So, this evening as I am getting ready to fall asleep I can do so confidently knowing He has it all under control.
Ask me tomorrow if I will need ANOTHER dose of worship music to get my thinking back on track!…chances are I will say YES!!

PS…this is a particular realization that happens on a very regular basis for me…it wouldn’t be shocking that I wake up tomorrow forgetting all of this and will have to start from square one again! Thank goodness He is FULL of grace…and there’s lots of music to listen to! 🙂

How do you connect with Him?

Life’s Curve Balls

Life. Life is a funny thing. Most of us plow through life without anything out of the ordinary happen to us.

In 1999, I literally was hit with a life changing moment. I had a car accident that resulted in a torn disk. At the time it seemed so minor…but after being misdiagnosed for a year and being pumped full of meds…well thats when the life changing started happening. That little injury ended up taking me out of work for 4-5 years, I went through 3 back surgeries, and it was during that time that I started to get my life back on track with Jesus.

Around High School, I had decided that putting God on hold for a little while so I could live my life seemed like a great idea. God, didn’t think so. So, when I got into my accident he took that moment and my weakness, to strip me of everything that was causing me to loose focus on Him. To say that I did nothing but lay around and rehab from my injuries…well it’s sad but oh so very true. After the 2nd surgery my life seemed to have a spark back to it again. I was going to church, and it was around Easter, when the Passion of the Christ movie came out. I watched that movie with tears streaming down my face. Never had I thought about Christ’s crucifixion being that horrible. I mean, He was Christ, surely there were divine painkillers He could have taken to absolve Him from feeling the pain of the beatings and crucifying that happened. But there weren’t. He felt it all. And He did that on purpose.

After watching that movie, I contacted my church because I knew I needed to be baptized. I grew up in the church, and I can’t really tell you when I became a Cristian. But, that point in my life is where I was able to say…I really choose to follow you Lord. Forever. And I am going to be baptized so everyone will know too. I was blessed to be able to have my Bestest there, to baptize me.

When I look back on that moment, I can clearly see how I started living my life differently. I had made a decision that until I was physically healthy (remember I had, had a couple of back surgeries) I was not going to date. There was no way I was going to get into a relationship with someone when I was still working out my own character flaws…and trying to get my body back to being healthy.

Right about the time my life seemed to have mellowed out, in walks this amazing man. A man, who understood me and believed in all the things I believed in. We truly had a ‘Love at First Site’ romance. We quickly became in engaged, then married, and then within a few months, it was time to start a family. In walks the fertility issues we would have to face, but Dr K felt very confident that he could help us have a family.

Well, we all know how that first pregnancy went. Preterm labor…delivered our daughter at 24.6 weeks gestation…and watched her fight for her life for another 101 days before she went to be with Jesus. Wow! Talk about questioning if your life really was in-line with the Lord. Then pregnancy #2 comes along…and ends in 12 short weeks from a miscarriage. Now your thinking, “Lord am I missing something? Have I done something wrong?”.

I am more firm in this belief than ever. We live in a fallen world. Just because we are Christians, doesn’t mean we get to pass on all the crap life throws our way. It means we better be preparing during the easy times. We better be filling our reserve tank so that it will be full when we need it. When I was trying to stay pregnant to keep Taryn growing, I was using my reserves, and putting all my faith in the Lord. Its during those times our testimony for the Lord shines the brightest for others to see. I have more people tell me on a daily basis that they don’t know how I was able to do it. Or how I’m able to keep living.

If I had tried to do it on my own, I would be in a really bad place. But, God walked me through it, and during the times where it was really bad….HE carried me through it. It blows my mind thinking of everyting I endured….and yet, today, I can say that I am okay! I am okay because of HIS grace. (Notice I choose the word ‘okay’. Because I’m not gonna lie and tell you life is all rosy, its not. I have holes in my heart that I pray will at the very least get smaller.)

It’s hard to keep stepping out in faith. Usually you are told when you step out in faith you will be rewarded in someway. This last year and a half hasn’t been filled with very many rewarding experiences. (read: live babies) But every now and then, someone tells you that your story touched them and has helped them. And….those are the rewards Ive asked for. I asked the Lord that I’d forever be reminded as long as I’m living, that Taryn’s life mattered, and that she touched others lives. I won’t know all that her tiny life was able to accomplish while she was here on earth, but I can hardly wait to get to heaven and hear someone say, “It was because of your daughter I am here.”

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Mike, is stable but still really needs your prayers! Thank you for your support and please keep praying for his recovery. ❤

“I Won’t Let Go”

I LOVE music. It speaks to my soul.

I was listening to this song by a country music artist, knowing full well the song was not referencing God. The artist was leaving it up to your imagination, whatever is going on in your life right now, the song could be representative of that.

Listen….

But, to me this song felt like God was singing it right to me, reminding me of his love.

So, when I watched the video above, I thought it was an odd connection that when one of the guys introduced the song, he said it felt like a father singing it to his child.

And that is exactly how I felt too…kinda….but, my Heavenly Father was singing it to me, His child.

So now… listen to this song & read the lyrics…can you see what I am talking about?

I love finding God in places I wasn’t looking.

Emptiness

I don’t look like a mom.

When I go places, I don’t physically carry my baby around with me. I keep her in my heart and in my memories.

I see other kids and I smile and say hi, and their parents look at me funny in a protective way, or they just smile back.

But, they don’t know that I have a daughter named Taryn, who left this earth way too early.

I see parents ignoring their kids, and I want to tell them what could happen to them, and how much regret they’d have if they lost their child, like I lost Taryn.

As much as I fit in as a mommy by definition, I don’t have all the required things, like a child, to really fit in. I look like a person with no experience. A person with no child. A person who couldn’t possibly understand how much your heart fills with love the moment you see your baby.

I have too much experience being a mom. Yes I didn’t choose schools, or do homework, or hear about boys, or watch her get married. But I did everything in my power to give her a chance at life. I had to face birth AND death all in a matter of months. I had to tell the doctor it was OK to let my girl go to heaven. And….I held my daughter as she met Jesus.

As I cut my daughters birthday cake all alone tonight, I just couldn’t help the overwhelming sadness that came with it. There was no celebration. There were no balloons. There was no family. And most of all there was no Taryn.

Taryn, I love you so much. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for you. I miss you so…

Love,
Mommy

Emptiness

Our goal for this Spring and Summer was to reconnect with each other as Husband & Wife.  To do fun things newly married people were supposed to do. 

Our first year of marriage was full of Ben working out-of-town, while I spent hrs upon days at the fertility doctor trying to get pregnant. In December 2009, cycle #1 was unsuccessful.  So I got right back on the Doctor’s table and tried for cycle # 2.  Success!!!  We were pregnant with Taryn in January 2010.  Morning sickness, (read:  All Day Pregnancy…someone shoot me now…Sickness) was wicked with Taryn.  I started feeling sick at 6 weeks and it didn’t end till I delivered her at 24.6 weeks. 

We tried again for cycle #3 in January 2011, and I was plagued with the same “someone shoot me now”…pregnancy sickness.  At 12 weeks along, we found out that this baby was not genetically healthy and had passed away in my womb.

By the time our 2nd Anniversary was upon us, we needed serious husband / wife regroup time.  We went to Cancun for a week.  It was exactly what our bodies, soles, and marriage needed.  Since then we have been hanging out with family, friends, using the boat, and taking little weekend excursions, all to repair our heads and hearts, and take care of ourselves.  Too much loss in one year will leave you feeling very depleted. 

My sleeping is slowly getting back on track and I’ve notice a difference in my emotions, I’ve seemed to have found happiness again.  I noticed that I can think or talk about Taryn in little bits without dealing with a huge wave of sadness and dispar.  I can also recover more quickly too.

But, this week…this week everyday seems to get a bit more heavy for me, as I am spending more and more time thinking about my amazing and wonderful daughter.  I had a good month or so of feeling healthy, and I am slowly sliding back into life feeling like its clouded with grief, sadness, and loneliness.

July 3rd – Four more days till my baby’s Birthday. 

101 days will pass 

October 13th – It will have been 365 days since I held my baby girl in my arms as she took her final breath.

It is still so hard.  I miss her so much.  And I am still bitter about all the things I have lost-out on experiencing with her.  And I will say it again.  It’s not fair, and it makes me mad!  But, most of all it just leaves me feeling empty.  The utter emptiness my arms felt when I put her back in her isolette and kissed her sweet cheek one last time and walked away from her body forever.  The utter emptiness of my heart because she is not here to overfill it with joy and love daily.

Psalms 31:9            
O’ Lord have mercy on me in my anguish. My eyes are red from weeping; my health is broken from sorrow.

Psalms 147:3          
He heals the broken heartened, binding up their wounds.

Matthew 5:4           
Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted.

John 14:27              
I am leaving you with a gift, peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give is not fragile like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.

John 14:18              
No, I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm I will come to you.

Psalm 46:1              
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble.

Psalms 30:5b         
Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.

John 16:33              
I have told you these things so that you will have peace of heart and mind, here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows, but cheer up, for I have overcome the world.

Things I’ve learned on a Tuesday in May

1) I would like it if my bestest lived no farther than 10 min away. 5 hrs is just not exceptable any longer!!!

2) Watching your niece (my bestest’s daughter) come into this world and then seeing her on the day of her 1st birthday; smile, give hugs and love, AND walk…is one of those moments of joy that makes you take an extra breath.

3) God is just purely GOOD. And we only catch glimpses of how good he truly is. I think he knows our brains would explode if we knew the extent of his greatness.

4) My husband understands and encourages me to have a girl day with the bestest because he knows how deep it restores my soul.

5) How thankful I am for my husband to be so sensitive, giving, patient, and in-sync with my needs.

6) Having a bestest who is slightly 😉 a better version of myself which is why we get along so well!

7) Being surrounded by Godly people who love you, and care about you. And knowing that this is just the beginning of an eternal relationship with them, since we will all be in heaven together one day.

8.) Sometimes we forget what it feels like to be loved. But getting baby kisses, excuse me! …toddler kisses… reminds you how wonderful and simplistic the feeling really is.

9) Having a bestest you love enough to get up for @ 6 AM!!!!! to watch the little munchkin all day so she can spend the day downtown with her mom and cousin doing fun downtown things!

10) Life ~ It isn’t always so bad, even in the midst of darkness. God is always shining his light through so you can make your way to him.

So, thank you to my bestest, the little munchkin, and the bestest’s mommy for getting me out of a pit I started digging myself into. I think I’ll fill that one in now. 🙂

Headstone

I went to see where my baby’s body lays today.

It was the first time I’ve been there since the memorial.

After being there and seeing no stone to represent her amazing life, I’ve finally come to a place of acknowledgment that it is time to do it. It’s time to put the final piece down, that makes it real. That her bones are are still laying in a plastic box, but this time it isn’t a clear box in a hospital, it is in the ground.

It is real. She has passed. She is in heaven, healthy, and whole, and I truly truly long to be with her.

I told Ben that my family is going to heaven, and i’m ready for the Lord to come and take us all home. I truly have more waiting for me in heaven than I could ever ever dream of having here on earth. Even before Taryn was conceived.

After we left Taryn, we stopped by Ben’s Grandfather, Brother, and Sister’s bodies. Our family truly has soo much more to look forward to in heaven than on earth.

If you are saved we all do really. Even if you’ve never lost anyone.

If you are not saved your eternal life will be one that won’t even compare to your worst imagination of hell. That is what Easter is all about. Christ came back to wash away our pathetic lives filled with sin so we could spend eternity in LITERAL heaven.

Oh how I long for the end of days. May they come soon and he take us swiftly.

A Mothers Day…without Her Baby

What is it about the sun setting and the moon rising. There is a special time of day, when the world has finished it’s day and is getting ready to spend time with their family. Its the time of day where the BBQ is started the adult beverages come out, and the kids are being warned it’s almost time for dinner and they are going to have to stop playing and eat soon. The sun is heading down past the horizon, the warm breeze starts blowing and the world gets just tiny bit quieter and moves just a bit slower.

Then the moon rises and the body starts feeling heavy with sleep either from all the playing you were doing as a kid or the adult beverages you were drinking have settled in. And then it’s off to bed on cool crisp sheets to dream of what tomorrow holds.

Today was a hard day for me. Really if I could have had my way, I would have been oblivious to all the mother’s day functions and the joy they brought to everyone. Because my day was not filled with joy. I slept till 2:30pm, watched a movie w/ my wonderful husband who then cooked a yummy dinner. After dinner I fell asleep again for an hr or so, then as you all know when 9pm hits in this house lights are off and in bed we go!! And then the weight of the day fell flat on me. I laid in bed waiting for the blessed Ambien to hit so I could be over this day and onto a new one.

Visions of holding my baby girl, kissing her head, holding her hand, having her look up at me, giving her her bath after she passed away, knowing that her body was laying in a box that was the size of a shoe box, walking with my husband as he carried her body to it’s final resting place. Seeing the looks of love and pain and sadness on everyone’s face….looks that said, “I’m so sorry, I want to help you but have no idea how.”. “I want to hug you but I’m afraid it might make you cry.” “if I start crying while talking to you I don’t want it to make you cry too.””

I knew being a mom was going to be the hardest thing I’d ever have to do, but I NEVER had a clue it would be like this. I find myself in the weirdest space right now. I don’t want to deny or stop anyone’s happiness, but I just don’t/want/can’t be a part of it right now. I am hoping this phase is short lived and I’m able to move through it quickly. I’m hoping it isn’t here for 5 more months.

I just want more time with my baby girl. I just need her safe with me in my home down the hall sleeping away.

Oh how hard today was.

Emotions

I need a download and file away button. It is exhausting constantly having all these emotions. In one moment I’m so sad, and then the next is filled with contentment.

Life causes emotions and we need to experience them and move through those emotions, but honestly 14 months of intense emotion is overwhelming. I wish there was a way to speed this process up to over-and-done with. I know it is not healthy to ignore the emotions and put them in a place of non-existence, but oh how I so badly want to. To ignore all the hurt and frustration.

I want to be have emotions about the normal daily grind of life. These wounds are wounds that never fully heal. They are always there, sometimes allowing you to forget and then the pain comes at you like a flood. I would never want to give up my time with Taryn, but I so wish it was different.

We are supposed to praise our Lord in the storms and remain faithful when having faith is impossible. I never let myself go to a place of doubting God’s intentions because I don’t want to give Satan that power. But, it is a constant struggle to walk that line of faith and move through the human emotions that I need to, to remain mentally healthy.

Sadness and Anger

I have parallel emotions right now. Sadness and anger.

When you lose something it makes you feel like you were being irresponsible. That you weren’t paying attention. How often do we really lose things anyways? Usually they are just misplaced, it’s a rare occurrence when we really lose something and it is permanently gone.

I have lost 2 babies. They are permanently gone from this earth. I get that my miscarriage was for a reason, my baby was not healthy. I get that it is not a rare occurrence. I get that many women suffer from miscarriages and successfully get pregnant again and are able to deliver a healthy baby. But it is not fair.

My pastor’s wife told me one night while Taryn was rallying back from a bout of pneumonia, that I should write a letter to God. I should write a real raw letter to God. While I know I can, and I am allowed, and he will still love me, and I will still go to heaven…I wasn’t in a place where I felt like I needed to yell so He could hear me. I knew He was there and He knew what I was feeling. Tonight…knowing God is physically with my babies instead of me…I am finally in a place to tell Him that I am angry about it all.

Lord,

It isn’t right. I feel like I have done something so wrong that my babies keep dying. I am bitter and jealous that you are with them. You get to love them and see them, and hear them, and spend time with them. They are my babies, my flesh and blood they should be with me before you get to spend time with them. How can you possibly put the desire into my heart to be a mother and allow me to lose 2 babies? Why would you give me such an intense love for children and allow me to lose 2? How could the loss of Taryn not hurt your heart so much that you allowed us to lose our 2^nd baby. It makes me so sad that I don’t even know if I was pregnant with a boy or girl and I didn’t get to name him or her. My baby was removed from my body in an operating room. And while our physical bodies don’t matter in the end my baby’s body was destroyed and it isn’t even resting in our family plot with our other child. It’s like there is no proof of that precious life. There is not even a birth or death certificate. But that baby was real Lord. That baby was one of your children Lord.

You feel everything we feel, you grieve when we grieve, aren’t you tired of grieving with us? Don’t you just want to see us happy? I feel so hopeless now. I know this isn’t punishment for something that I forgot to ask forgiveness for. But I don’t know how else to process this. I am running out of faith that you are going to heal my breaking heart. Lord I am so tired and weary, it is getting harder and harder to see and feel the joys of life. I am done with the sadness and hurt this earth has to offer. I am tired of trying to be joyful. When am I going to wake up with a smile on face because I am truly happy? When is the joy going to come back into my life? Will I even be able to recognize it? I don’t want these things to define me, to be the major points in my life. I want my marriage, the birth of my child, wonderful family memories to define my life. Not DEATH! I can’t undo what has been done, and it scares me to look forward to the future. I want to. I want to have a family. I want the chance to have baby. In case I have never specifically mentioned it…I want to be a mom to a real live baby. Please Lord. If I am not ready, and there are things I need deal with or learn… make them real to me. Help me to understand and find peace with what has happened. I feel like I am spinning in circles trying to make sense of all this. Just make the hurt and confusion go away. Heal my heart and make this hell go away. Please Lord, please, please.

I know by posting this…l risk someone thinking I shouldn’t be left alone. I risk someone thinking that I am turning my back on God. I risk someone thinking they need to say something to straighten my thinking out.

I don’t need any of that. I am allowed to be upset. I am allowed to question God. I am allowed to feel like there is no hope to be a parent of a live healthy child. I am allowed all of it. I am not going to hurt myself. I am not turning my back on God. And I don’t need anyone to try to straighten my thinking out. This is normal. Most people just do it in private or with a trusted few.

What I need right now is prayer. Prayer for peace and that God will restore some joy in my life. Prayer that I will have a child of my own. Prayer for understanding of the past 14 months. I just need prayer. I know I have needed a lot of it, and I know there are a lot of you who pray constantly. There isn’t anything to say that makes this better. There isn’t anything to do that will make this easier. The only thing I know that will work is prayer.

I am going to allow comments, I am not going to turn them off. My initial thought was to disable them. But, I trust you will be sensitive and supportive of my feelings. This post is NOT in response to anything anyone has or has not said or written. It is simply where I am at this Friday evening. It is not spurred on by anything other than I have lost 2 children and my heart is broken.